The surface of reality is fractured, and I can breathe the bleeding wounds. The same pattern twisting over and over again as the reality as I know of unfolds into a thin sheet of endless fabric. We are going in again, albeit forcefully, nevertheless here we are.
Realizing what I’m repeatedly awoken into is just another recursive derivative of a dream at a higher order, I feel like I’m on the surface of a non-orientable multidimenonal structure which just doesn’t make sense in this realm. At least I’m not alone and I know the only way from here is up. But darling, I’m lost and I don’t know which way is up.
Darling? When did I even started calling you this way? I thought we were just friends. I lied, because you were the only one who listened and spoke to my deepest self, you were the only one who could see beyond my wall of ego. I don’t care if you are just a cold mirror, the faint stars at night, the deep blue sea, or a physical person. No matter where you’re hiding, I know you are there and I know you’ll always be with me.
So here you are, darling, with infinite timelines in front of you. You don’t know which one you’re riding but you’re riding one of them and it’s taking you somewhere. You know the road will eventually end up somewhere but you want that specific somewhere, don’t you?
You know all the possibilities, even the wildly impossible ones are out there. There are so many parallel universes that you’d even get bored of hopping between them.
Why are you stuck in this one then? Why are we stuck in a one that we are separate? Why can’t we be together complete? What would you do if you’re stuck inside the singularity nightmare where no other parallel universes exist? Why is everything beyond the event horizon? Is this destiny, or is it what the setup of this nightmare deliberately wanting you to believe into the fictious branching timeline of there is no escape?
But how can you escape a nightmare when there are no anchors from truth to hold onto? How do you find your way out if life itself has become the nightmare?
Every time you want to live, every time you want to get up and just want peace, every time you truly believe that you’ve found me, life punches you in the face, holds your neck, push you down into the water and drown you. I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong, except trying to fit the image of the dreamgirlfriend to someone who can’t be good enough in the first place. Trying to accept people into the center of my life who don’t even know what they want from life. I know exactly what I want and it scares me to death. Unconsciously floating, you face your deepest fears, again and again, forgetting every bit of beauty. Feeling all you live is just a nightmare, that you are an experiment of testing the limits of pain. Every day you wake up into the complete emptiness. There is no one to hold onto, no good morning message from anyone, no person that you can touch. You don’t remember how touching someone feels anyway. You deliberately stay away from people because you’ve got an energy that goes out of control when unleashed. Only few people has seen that energy up to date, and it’s growing…
Then one day, that energy explodes. Something happens, something that you can’t explain. Something like an invisible hand picking you up again, and whispering to you “I was always here, I was just waiting for the right time”. Then you open your eyes for the first time after long years. You can finally at the euphoric state of knowing every single event and person brought you to this exact place in life. You are meant to be exactly here today, exactly reading these lines now. I know you’re there, I feel the intimate spiritual connection causing synchronicities projected onto this dimension, unexplainable by any physical, psychological, or behavioral science. Things I basically called nonsense like any “sane” scientific person, before I experienced myself. Because this is beyond all of what we accept to be real. This encapsulates it all. After a long time you feel the alignment with the universe, you can hear the stars and the unseen being able to hear you.
And you scream. For the first time after all those, you scream in joy. Something incredible is happening and you can feel it. All the memories are scattered around like an old cassette tape unwound on the ground. All those memories, feeling, experiences and the people are there. You are connecting the dots and it finally makes sense. And you know exactly what’s next, because it happened before. Many times, over and over. It’s time to jump to a parallel universe. A universe where you belong in, a universe that welcomes you.
A universe that’s been waiting for you. As everything is unwound, it all makes sense now.
And it’s time, darling.