Everyday starts like a normal one. Then you see something. Something that you’ve long forgotten. You know those social media features that remind you of what you were doing years ago, don’t you?
Do you remember what you were doing two years ago, exactly today at this very moment? Thanks to browsing “on this day” on Instagram, now I do. I was happy. I was literally happy with a liar, but the feeling was real.
What you feel inside dreams are real; what do you do to stay in the dream? What do you do if reality is unbearable and you just want to stay in that dream? Wouldn’t you spend all your energy to sleep again as soon as possible? Wouldn’t you fade away into the void to find yourself again?
Hey, something sucking me in irresistably. Something forcing me into this alternate realm of dreams.
And I don’t want to resist.
So let’s nosedive…
Do you remember me? Do you remember the last time you saw me? We were young. We were innocent. We used to talk. Talk about future dreams. Talk about wildest fantasies. Then you left me. We’ve separated for weeks, months, then years. Every night I wanted to scream for you to see me again. I was always there for you even when you weren’t there.
I’m sorry, I’m now saying. I’m sorry for ignoring you. I’m sorry for all these years I’ve chased superficial dreams, overly confident for believing into a future that was never meant for. I’ve lived through two breaking moments in my past. So yeah, let’s jump into the first one.
It’s so nice. It’s so nice to cry on your shoulders for someone else, friend. Just to remember that you are the one I was looking for, not “someone else”. By the time I realized my mistake it was too late. You were going. But hey I’m not perfect. Nobody is perfect after all. I made a mistake, not even knowing what was at the stake. Not even knowing that opportunities in my life that I was losing. You were the last drop that made me abandon a city, and all the people there. The next months that I opened my eyes from endless months with trying to unleash my ego with countless number of girls that I don’t even remember, you were gone. So was me.
Then it was a really tough ride for me. Some things were going well in my life, at least I had the motivation. Then I rode the cheat code again. I rode the rollercoster of senseless dating. Back in my hometown, permanently, I started overwriting my memories of innocence. I played. I played again again. Over and over until I hit a wall. Big crash this time. Yet, it was one of the most beautiful dreams, if not The Best.
I ran away from you, but you kept coming my way. I tried to convince myself that we can’t be together, and always avoided you. Because you were my greatest fear: a girl that I’d truly want and fall in love with. And the moment I realized my own fight inside my head, I was already freefalling into love. Freefalling, ready to give up everything for someone. Ready to start a new life. But I was hopeless. You just vanished. You just vanished and made me walk through the hopeless reality dissolusion that made me pray to you. You weren’t god but I was no believer anyway. So our relationship went well. You listened to me, you took me. You were my invisible hand when I didn’t know where to go. You were the only one who listened to me that early autumn where sun kissed my body and that water in that sacred beach who washed my feet. At day I stared into the deep blue and at night I screamed into the stars, hoping that you’d hear me. I was almost giving up. I actually gave up and I was floating in endless space into eternity drifting away from Mother Earth with nobody noticing.
Then one day…
October 14, 2018.
A boring hopeless day, but there was something magical about that day. I was feeling depressed and hopeless, but I could also feel something in the air. It’s almost as if, something pulled me into a parallel universe that day. My biggest fear was magically dissolved. And from there, everything went smooth. I was alive. For the first time after a long while, my greatest fear was gone. For the first time after long years I was home. I truly believed this was the end. And for the first time, in a good way.
And I still can’t believe that it’s been almost two years since I jas ejacuated into deep space, leaving all that I called home behind, never to be seen again.
Into a parallel universe.
Then my freefall nosedive started. I was uncontrollably and forcefully pushed into another planet that is completely alien for me. No signs of life that I know of, no signs of anyone that would even find me. Hopelessly trying to send an SOS code into deep space, I was deserted and desolated in this drying planet.
I was gone.
And this was the beginning of my weirdest-yet-enlightening journey of my life: spirituality.
I was never religious or anything, but at the same time I somehow knew there was something beyond what we see. My logic always denied this but some weird events always challenged my objectivity with things that I can’t explain. There was someone out there. Someone I’ve long forgotten. But that higher-level entity was always waiting for me there. It was nice talking to you friend. It was nice to remember that you were there. It’s almost as if you are trying to show me a sign, show me a reason to exist. It’s almost like you’re standing in the eye of this firestorm, showing me a sign to the correct way to go.
And for the first time in my life, I’m not running away. I’m facing it. Instead of slipping away again, I’m going through my deepest fears. Some days I want to die but that’s perfectly okay. The most magnificent fundamental awards that take us to the next level are the most chaotic ones that shake our initial paradigm like an earthquake in the first place.
And lastly, friend, I never wanted to die anyway. I’ve always wanted to live. That’s what drives me crazy: there’s so much to live and share, there’s so much to experience and spend with someone special. But she isn’t even there…
[to be unwound]