Chaos

How does it feel to breathe the terror? How does it feel to taste the madness? The madness that is collectively taking over the whole world as everyone tries to walk on the rope of sanity, trying to avoid falling into the very dark side of themselves constantly reminding themselves of the fact that they’re gonna die and that the loss of everything that they have is ultimately inevitable?

What is out there? What is reality? No, I’m not talking about the sandbox that the more powerful forces locked our consciousness inside a three dimensional trap. I’m talking about the actuality behind the scenes, the ones behind the cameras, the raw unedited footage, the B-rolls, the stage behind the painted walls with the paint that blurs as you examine further. The split of the Planck time that makes sense, the bigger picture that we haven’t even imagined, the reality that’s hidden so well that we were successfully trained to believe in that a smaller low resolution picture of the universe was all there was out there. The multiverse that smiles to all the politicians and rich people out there when they think that they’re powerful. The eye with the overview effect, crashing not just earths like ours, but the whole solar systems and galaxies that contain them. The chaotic eye of massive destruction that gave birth to any kind of reality that we might have experienced in the first place.

If that chaos of particles and energy fields in a quantum vacuum of fluctations created everything, isn’t it fitting the dictionary definition of god? Can we really blame chaos for taking everything from us? Did we blame it when it gave everything to us anyway? Maybe it’s just trying to break our ego and set us free. If nothing can be created nor destroyed where does this consciousness that we’re experiencing this very moment come from? If the consciousness, at least the way we know of, was injected into our body when we were born, where was it before our birth? Maybe it’s just trying to open our collective inner eye to see that there’s some sort of connection between deeper levels of reality and consciousness. Maybe it’s time that us humans, yes, the ones that think they are smart, the ones that of whom world completely collapses due to a virus that we can only see with microscopes, should realize that consciousness is a fundamental part of reality, baked into the convoluted formulae that haven’t even been discovered yet by us “smart” humans.

Breakpoint

I deleted Instagram from my phone. Then I deleted my WhatsApp account irreversibly. Then shared the same fate Telegram. Yeah, talking about the “essential” apps here. About a year ago, I deleted Facebook, then Messenger. My Instagram and Facebook accounts are active in case I need to show someone something and for apps and websites that I logged in using Facebook, but that’s it. A few years ago I also quit Snapchat and Vine when they were a thing. I even went on a full no-phone detox for one-and-a-half months in 2016. I never liked Twitter anyway. And here I am now, 5am on a Sunday morning in the days of COVID-19 pandemic, everywhere is closed, laying on a couch alone with my cat and X-MEN cartoon theme music looping in my head almost as if someone remotely hijacked my mind and injected it. No digital communication other than my colleagues on Slack, minimal amount of iMessages, and good ol’ green bubbles of 27-years-old SMS.

This is almost as if someone hit the big red button of this world. A figurative god decided the push that big red button. Is it a debugger breakpoint in the source code of life? Are we getting an update over-the-air that will be patched over our existing reality? Did we hit a bug in our simulation? Is the virus faction too powerful that it requires an update to keep the gameplay balanced? After all the shaking events that collectively doomed us all to a psychologically-isolated state that seems like a forever nightmare, is this finally our deux ex machina?

Expectations. Lots of them. Even my use of the word “finally” in my previous sentence. The more we open our eyes to the external world, with each stimulus that we welcome into our convoluted wiring of our brain, we reach conclusions that collapse the wave function, limiting the set of possible outcomes. So what happens when everything is paused and we close our eyes? Without social media, without seeing all there is out there, we dive into a world of infinite possibilities. The deep blue ocean that we always belonged in, dreaming of the island and the sunset of its beach that we always imagined to hold hands and run again like children. Without external stimuli of the physical world out there it feels empty as we’re used to seeing and accessing everything instantly. Once the craving is over, doors of the digital prison are unlocked, we’re free again. We’re free from turning our back to our wildest dreams. We’re free from imagining a world where we were isolated from ourselves. It’s as if we remembered that command after a long time: 

sudo su –

We’re finally in control. Finally in control of our reality. We can play with time and space. We are no longer locked inside our unprivileged shell that we’ve created. All the glitches in the matrix always cued this. As we lost ourselves in the tornadoes of data flow, as we injected ourselves with Facebook posts and Instagram likes, as we tried to take a hit of attention-seeking rollercoaster, we’ve lost something. We’ve lost our deepest motivations. But since we are our own god now…

It’s time to take it back. It’s time to close our eyes and dream of all the possible outcomes of any group of events that we want. As long as we focus on our reality and don’t observe what’s happening in the so-called objective reality that even science successfully failed to realize the fact that it’s just a drop in the ocean of infinite possibilities, this world belongs to us. And as the sun decided to go up once again, let’s close our eyes to daydreaming with no sandboxes after a long time. Let’s leave this prison, ironically when it’s almost like prison physically. And once again, gently touching the big red stop button of the universe, let’s slightly open our eyes to feel the rays of light. Feel each photon hitting your retina, carrying information for a beautiful universe.

Good morning.

Red

Don’t you ever fantasize about jumping over while the traffic is speeding up like crazy? The thin line between red and green. The instantaneous decision that would end everything, the one that would take you so much over that you can’t jump between parallel universes anymore. One brief moment of jumping to the road in red light, and suddenly you are red. Is this the final freedom? The absolute freedom from your physical body that you were maybe trapped in? The one that sucks and jails you inside everytime it wakes up. Pumping the liquid at the edge of the visible spectrum, a plasma with the mystical code, an unsolved puzzle about consciousness baked in into its firmware. A system so secure that accessing the bootloader would corrupt the filesystem. A system where observation of a neuron would change a tiny bit of quantum state that triggers a chain reaction explosion from the initial state of variables ending up in you taking that step towards the road and you are red.

And that would be the last thing you would remember. The last thing permanently encoded into your brain before short-term encoder gives up. The one that fills all remaining parts of the neural-filesystem red.

The red lips of life’s goodbye kiss. Then the curtains slowly start leaking from the top of the screen. The final ending.

It’s finally over darling. No more three dimensions, no more friends, family, or anything that you can connect with. No more hatred, no more job, money, or climbing the ladder until you hit the glass ceiling. No more sleeping and waking up, no more saying good morning to yourself alone every morning. No more sex with so many people that you can’t even remember the existence of. No more drinks after drinks until you try to wake up every morning where your reflection becomes your best friend you drink with anyway.

No more beliefs and no more hopes. 

Sole red.

What we see

All the information is light. As long as light rays reach our eyes in a certain angle, they represent things in our three-dimensional space. But what if something distorts it? What if some surface reflecting those rays also distort them, just like the reflection of everything on the water? What if our perception of reality is also distorted with some entity that hides itself at a deeper level from the foundations of our consciousness? How can then we say with 100% confidence that what we see is what there really is out there? Can you really believe in your eyes when you know that there is no way for you to perceive reality as it’s out there in the first place? But… is there a reality out there anyway? Isn’t all reality the sum of the experience of all the collective consciousness of all of us in the end? Does it really matter?

If you love someone

If you love someone, push them away. If they are really someone who needs to be in your life, they’ll eventually find their way without even realizing it themselves. If you want someone so deeply, desire them desperately, and don’t want anyone else no matter how attractive the people around you are, let go.

Sometimes this is the only way to survive. You want to find “the one” and life gives you “many others”. Maybe it’s just not the time for the one. Maybe either you or that “the one” isn’t ready to rock for the prime time. Maybe you just need some more irresponsible funtime, or maybe she/he is just not ready for you yet. Maybe it’s just them who need more time to settle down before facing the true you. Maybe it’s just them who need to get ready for the epic embrace that will change both of your lives forever.  It did happen to me. Again and again. And it keeps happening, each time with more power, each time with more synchronicity.

Because everyone goes away at some point. The right ones see who is right for them, and come back. How can they understand the value of the true, deep connection if they never had a chance to taste the shallow ones anyway? Let them go away into the wild and see what they are truly missing. The ones who are intellectual enough to realize what they are missing when you’re not around will simply come back. And it will be a more powerful bond than ever.

The best chapter

Why can’t we play hide-and-seek anymore? Why can’t we run in the fields, running from our imaginary monsters which were perfectly harmless in our sandbox? Why can’t we love everything unconditionally?

At which point did we become our own slaves to power, money, and authority in an addictive way? At which point did we start screaming and start filling ourselves with greed, feeding isolation and anxiety.

When did we become anxious? When did all those panic attacks of our own defense mechanism start to scare us? When did we leave ourselves alone and start becoming someone else of whom role that we don’t even know how to act in any uncontrolled terror-filled chaotic environment?

How can we go back? How can we go forward? How can we escape from the war between zeroes and ones, black and white, and find home again? How do we reach where we belong, if we don’t have a compass in the first place?

Should we look at the stars? Should we start realizing the fact that home is not s physical place, that it is the peace of mind? Should we hold hands and watch the planets fall into the glowing mysteries of Earth as minutes turn into hours of the preparation of another sunrise? Should we just, you know, as we seem to like each other, kiss?

Can’t we find those days that look like as its in eternity, here? Can’t we unite and change the world? Can’t we feel the connection? Can’t we dive into the forgotten memory where we used to feel that connection to every other being, every other particle in the multiverse? Can’t you forget everything that keeps you away from this true reality that there’s nothing to be scared of?

Isn’t it time to continue the best chapter?

Dreamgirlfriend

They always ask me why I don’t have a girlfriend with so many “options” around, and I think today’s the day to answer this question…

You know that popular hot blonde “chick” who isn’t smart but super sexy at all those classy venues? Of course you do, and you probably fantasize about her. Everybody does, right? 

Wrong. I don’t. I couldn’t give less fucks about those superficial fleshes trying to sell their body parts. I don’t want those “hot” girls trading their nipples for Instagram likes. I don’t want dancers, I don’t want travelers, models, I don’t want a girl who goes to all parties and festivals. I don’t wanna wannabes, I don’t want a girl with thousands of followers.

I never liked dancing or dancers, I absolutely hate traveling and I never found those “models” attractive anyway. I never liked a blonde girl either; I’m into dark short hair with forelock. I don’t like tans either, I’m into white skinned girls. I don’t like those long legged either, I’m into short girls. But the most important aspect isn’t any of these. I need someone at the same intellectual level with me; she should understand my deepest English dark-humor memes and should be able to bond at a level thet most people aren’t even aware of. I want someone whom it’s worth traveling the world with, someone who can make me love all the things I can’t enjoy.

I want an unhappy girl. Wait, what? Yup. You read it right. I want someone who can feel that some intrinsic part of her is missing. Someone who doesn’t do many things because she knows it’s only good when it’s shared with someone like you. I want someone who wants to experience everything on this world and beyond with me. I want someone who is full of life, waiting to be unleashed. Because this is who I am; there are so many things that I want to share and I just need someone like me. I know that with someone just like me I can rock the world. I did it before. I’ve seen how beautiful this world could be, so don’t pull the popular “someone who is unhappy can’t make you happy too” crap. Because they can. I’ve lived that before. The last person I could love and accept as my girlfriend was a geeky hacker who didn’t like to be popular and didn’t use any social media. People are meant to be together, and it’s perfectly normal to be unhappy when alone. It’s perfectly normal to be extremely sad and suicidal when there’s so much to share and you feel all alone in space as more and more time passes. And it’s also perfectly normal to be the happiest couple ever if these two “sad” people finally join their lives.

Then they create many things together; share experiences, make music and art, and live.

Until I find that girl, I’ll stay single. Because love is sacred and I want someone that is worth sharing all I’ve got to share with.

Grow up

Grow up. Aren’t these the words that we constanly keep hearing from “adults” who thinks our naturally instinctive behavior is unacceptable? As you grow old you try to hold onto your dreams as the society tries to pull us apart from our identity and replace it with a robotic egocentric identity of a grown up? An identity where you must become a slave of money, marry and make a child, send them to school for brainwash, format their brain and install this self-replicating malware that silences our dreams to a level that we’d need to scream to hear ourselves in the mirror of the universe. An identity where playing games, jumping around, singing in the streets, talking to many strangers, expressing our feelings and thoughts in a direct and raw manner is no longer acceptable. A society that judges you by the numbers in your bank account and the uniform you need to wear called socioeconomical status. A world where talking about boring politicians on the manipulation device called television is accepted but getting five minutes late to somewhere because you are trying to beat that final monster in a videogame is not. 

Then there is a time that the power within ourselves becomes to strong that it finally rips the uniform that were holding us tight and breaking that blindfold into pieces, letting ourselves into our eyes and dreams, forcing us to finally look at the mirror of the universe once again. As we enlighten more, our ego starts to die, our connection to the social media is replaced by the ultimate connection to all the beings and the universe as our intrinsic frequency of our consciousness is restored. 

Finally we realize that time has always been an illusion and this enlightenment was always within you. Once you break all the clocks on Earth there’s no longer time. There are no longer ticks. There is no more separation; as Sagan says “we are all stardust”. We all come from the very same spot on the universe, from the very same building blocks of the physical reality, obeying the very same rules in the atomic level. Isn’t it insane for the older people to tell us to grow up and develop an ego when we are all literally the same thing in the whole universe?

Never grow up. Play games, do stupid things, tell people your deepest parts without fearing how this society would judge you. Bring out whatever is inside you, unleash that creative flux of reflecting your inner self to the macroscopic physical world with art. You can never become a successful artist because we are all successful artists even before we are born. We just need to remember who we are; because the more we realize that we’re all artpieces making up this universe, there’s nothing anymore to be afraid or to run away from.

Stay young. Forever.

Ninety nine

When ninety nine is the greatest number that you know, can you even comprehend the existence of one hundred?

I know you’re there, and I know very few people can even get close to ninety nine. Maybe you are one of them. If you are reading this you might really be in this group; the people who can’t fit into the mainstream society, the ones who don’t enjoy what regular people do. The ones that are born with the “illness” to feel the need to create. The blessing of creative freedom and the curse of existential crisis. The ever-growing anxiety and its dreaded manifestation of panic, attacking and forcing us into terror. The chaotic chamber of everything burning down, death and creation dancing with the rhythm. 

Then you meet someone. Someone who shows you a new number: one hundred. Suddenly you realize that you haven’t ever realized the fact that there could be more to all of this. You start accepting the fact that there could be numbers beyond your imagination. You start seeing colors for the first time after living in monochrome. You realize that there could be things beyond your imagination; things that you couldn’t imagine that they could have been imagined, a higher order function in your abstract thinking.

Maybe that’s the point in this illusion called time that you start questioning your paradigm.

Encode


I can’t believe this is happening.

This is one of the things that require all my self-confidence to get in front of the mirror and accept. The one that I’ve been running away from. But how long can you run from what’s already inside your head? How long can you deny what you subconsciously know?

There is no point in denying anymore: I miss those days of being in the alternate universe that I always feared for years. The days that I went radio silent for three weeks. It wasn’t only the social life and connection to the Internet that went radio silent. It was everything good and bad about my everyday life that went dark for the seemingly-forever days that I’ve spent there.

And boy, I miss those days of isolation. I miss all the isolation from the routine, people in my life, thoughts, feelings, stress, expectations and hopes. I miss the feeling of knowing that everything will be allright when those days were gonna be over.

Safe mode. It’s like a sandbox game in your brain, that you could freely do anything you want. A game that takes place in an alternate reality, an immersive experience. But when it’s over you are back to the routine. 

Dear internal monologue, what was the trigger that let you enter your safe mode? I need to find it  and enter my safe mode again. Should I repeatedly press all function keys? Shall try to induce a lucid dream by reading my dream diary and constantly asking whether I’m in a dream or not and watch for any clues; the inconsistencies and weird actors, the glitches in the Matrix? The ones that it’s the same places and the same people of ordinary, but something is off. The lights just don’t reflect right. The rendering engine is constantly glitching out and our brain is denying to encode any information that would provide a clue about the inner wiring of our minds into our memory. A session that deletes all the files when it’s over. A session that you don’t even remember existing. But what if we could recall it all?

If we can introspect into the wiring of our brains and observe which memory is associated with which person, which idea stems from which combination of our neurons, can we really understand our minds? Once we understand the role of every neuron and every dendrite, do we know everything about our brain? But isn’t even observing the structure of neurons an input of information that changes the formation of that very structure anyway? In that sense, isn’t trying to understand the fabric of our experienced reality, actually a transformation of it to a new state anyway? It’s like a cat chasing a mouse and never catching it. But we keep trying even if the game is rigged.

How do we understand the fuzzy-logic encoding of all the data about everything that we’ve experienced? How do you start? It isn’t like a file on your computer that you can analyze with a hex editor. It isn’t a sequence of zeroes and ones, it’s a graph network of a huge number of nodes and connections. Is there any idea better than constantly trying to see a pattern and always trying the next combination, not knowing what to look for, like skipping all those songs in shuffle while walking until you realize that you don’t want to listen to music in the first place?

Even if we devise a way to map everything about our three dimensional brain, would it explain anything about our conscious decisions that triggers all the pathways of thoughs in the first place anyway? Once you hit the wall where you realize conventional physics cannot explain who you are, wouldn’t you dig deeper into your ocean of subconsciousness? Wouldn’t you, only then, see the real mirror that truly reflects yourself deep within your soul?