canp.me

Hey, I think I’m asleep again, nice to see you again here. It’s been a whole day since we last met. Why did we separate for so long, every minute that I’m awake feels like an eternity? I wanna go home. Do you hear me? Are you just a dusty mirror covered in loneliness of years, or is it just you who’s not responding? Are you there, why aren’t you giving me a sign? Whatever you are I miss you and sleep is the only place I find you.

That’s why I want to sleep forever. If you don’t exist in what we call the physical reality, what is the point of all the experiences? What is the point of traveling, sharing, creating, and trying to build a life, if I’ll be doing this all alone? Why is there a second plate in this dinner table where I’m eating by myself? 

This is enough. I want to make a deal with you: don’t let me leave here without you. Either find me in the physical dimension, or don’t let me go back. Take this life, I want to stay with you. I want to be with you forever. I want to live you. I’m tired of sleep being only place that I feel safe. I’m tired of living all those potentially beautiful years without you. Either manifest, exist, realize, be… or take me to the dark side. The side where there is no more pain, no more endless hours, no more breath. No more heartbeat. And I’ll never be without you again.

Don’t let me wake without you.

Maybe it was never about going there. It was all about knowing that you’ll be there again. It’s about knowing that all the possibilities, multiple coherent timelines are out here, and you can jump back to your universe again.

Who did this to you? How come you ended up here? How did you fall into this geometric hole of singularity, where everything is multidimensional and you feel dimensionless. How do you end up in void if you never step into another dimension? How can our reality turn into nothing?

All the bad things. They come as a sequence, or together. Life attacks you from different angles, breaking your sense of being an entity. The moment you say that it can’t be worse, it becomes worse. Waking up, stabilizing your mind over and over again into a higher level of consciousness, you start to realize a pattern, a dead loop. As you start recognizing the slight details you discover that something’s not right. The whole apparent loop is actually a Möbius Strip from a higher dimension. When you step onto the dimension which projects the physical world, you realize all the darkness that you fear is just shadows of the foreshadowing about the next stage in your life.

You start to realize all the things that were apparently bad were to bring you to this day. There is a path you need to take, and believe me, read this over and over if you need, but believe me, it’s for us. It’s a special plan, you don’t remember it, right? Did you really forget all of it? Did you really forget that we’ve constructed this dystopian scenario with the plot twist and the happiest ending ever? Did you remember how we then projected ourselves into this lower dimension where we wouldn’t remember a thing, and just enjoy the ride, even if forcefully? If only I remembered your face or your voice…

You don’t need to remember it darling. You just need to start seeing the patterns in the noise. Before proclaiming a steganographer, you first rule out cognitive factors such as confirmation bias, delusion, and apophenia. You collect more and more data, the calmer you stay the more patterns emerge, taking you to the clues of what could have been resulted in them in the first place. You just need to reverse engineer the synchronicities and other coincidental occurances. Then you remember one thing: there is no such a thing as a coincidence. Everything is going perfectly but your dumb mind, darling, is making up stories and clouding your vision. Just as my mind. But wherever and whoever you are, we’re headed to the sweetest intersection point, ever.

But life, apparently, doesn’t like spoilers, especially for dramatic endings. So, darling, enjoy the ride to the climax for now. Because after it, we’ve got a party and a life to live. Namaste.

So many things out there that we can’t explain. That we cannot make a sense of within our paradigm. Every time when we sleep we lose the connection to this realm, aligning our consciousness to be transferred to a parallel universe. Something’s inside us, or something… is us. There are no limits to who you can, what you can do, to whom you can reach out to, and how you can change the world. The only limit is inside your head. The only limit is the neural connections within your brain. 

Mind is a blessing and a curse. For most people, ignorance is bliss: grow up, follow soccer games to find an identity to belong in a superficial group to feed the loneliness of your ego, watch the TV and the news about politics, vote for leaders, waste time on social media, believe in things without questioning, get brainwashed, get a 9/5 job with a mediocre salary, spend time with inferior friends and colleagues instead of improving yourself, find someone worth spending rest of your resources with, who is just dull as you, marry, make children, and inject this inferiority virus into them since day one, manipulating their neuroplastic brains to spread your own narrow-minded fundamentally flawed arguments about world that have no intrinsic value, get obsessed with money, triggering your inferiority complex rigged up by the capitalistic lifestyle; you aren’t worth unless you are a member of a club, buy these new cool stuff, or be part of the latest trends. 

Build up stress, instead of coping with the underlying problems suppress them with metropolitan activities, alcohol, smoking, and pharmacy-approved drugs that are definitely safe for you, avoid any plants and fungi that humanity has evolved together with that would result in your breakthrough because you trust authorities that keep telling that they are bad, keeping you in the brainwash loop. Eat three meals a day because it’s what is right, use fluoride-based toxic toothpastes because the almost-imperceivable change in whiteness of your teeth is obviously more important than your health, spend less time interacting with nature and animals because they’re not sterile enough, consume everything without actually creating anything. Build up more stress with the energy growing inside you, don’t listen to your body’s signals evolved in millions of years and instead what the society and the doctors tell you, develop diseases, intolerances, allergies, both physical and mental conditions that haven’t existed until last several decades.

Let your children grow up based on what you think is right, send them to brainwashing schools, make them have brainwashed friends, and try to exclude them from anything or anyone that doesn’t belong in your society’s norms. Believe in bullshit, live and love in bullshit, and die in bullshit. But hey, at least you followed the rules set by an ancient fantastic invisible man and you’ll be great at the other side.

Mind is a curse. At least you don’t cope with existential crisis and the very notion of void every day. You don’t need to worry about any deeper problems or reality itself: you don’t even know that you don’t know those problems that you can’t even imagine. Life is easy, right? Focus on trying to make more money in a system where economy is controlled by entities that you don’t know that exists and where even lottery is rigged, and you’ll be fine. Watch the puppets at the tip of the iceberg and watch the staged fights of important people on TV, successfully dividing community to control them individually based on their weaknesses.

And then there is us. The minority who is aware of what’s going on, at least to some extent. The people who accept the universe as it is, and instead of putting a concrete wall of abstraction, unite with it. The ones who try to give more than they take. The outliers who can see the world from above, the followers of the Overview Effect. We are the ones who should unite and teach the rest to live. Instead of polarizing, we should help the less fortunate. We should save The Mind from being a collective curse and start seeing its potential. Instead of fighting our minds, we should join forces for a better world. But how can we love and accept our antagonist as they are, when they continuously try to prevent us to get them out of their shell in the first place? How do we open our hearts to the dark? When we find the answer all the rest will be resolved. Because when we make peace with war, we make peace with our fears, anxiety, suspicion. We make peace with everything. And they leave their places to love, gratitude, and synchronicities. And when synchronicities take over, well, magic happens.

And darling you know what?

I love magic.

Why don’t you try to act like normal? Like all those people out there? Celebrating Earth’s round around the sun since you got out of your womb. Watching brainwashing TV and having an idea about other people’s lives?

There is no one out here breathing, and the only ones who used to breathe no longer do. And sometimes when crossing the road I just stop middleway through and think what would really end if I stop right there.

But something happened lately. Just in the last couple of months I’ve stopped searching for a breath. I’ve started being completely on my own. I’ve changed a lot, sure I’m far from perfect but I’ve come a long way and I’m planning to move on this path.

So darling, I wanted to gift you a better title, but when you try your best, do everything to be the person you wanted to be, but life fucks you up over and over like a porn movie though you’ve deserved the best in your age of thirty, I can’t come up with a better title.

XXX.

This is it. This is the end. This is a new beginning. I’ve lost a lot and made a lot and every single thing that happened, every event, every person, every day, every tiniest amount of detail brought me here today, and brought for a reason. They used to say everything happens for a reason and I called it bullshit with my logical self, but lately I’ve realized that there’s more to it. There’s something beyond what we see, beyond the physical concepts, beyond science as we know of. There’s something that encapsulates the whole paradigm of what we call reality, not affected by any rule or law inside it. It’s outside the box, the box of reality as we know of. It manifested itself lately to me over and over again and if I’ve told everything that happened they’d call me crazy. They’d call me delusional, just as how I’d call what I’m myself now after all the experiences, before having them all.

There is something beyond everything we see, hear, or physically experience. There’s something not bound to any law that we believe to exist. 

Every time you reach a checkpoint in life and look back, and connect all the chain of events that led you there, which would otherwise been impossible. You remember that you wanted that exact checkpoints in the past, but they seemed impossible, then somehow it happened. Over and over again. Everytime when you forgot to believe in.

Maybe it’s parallel universes, multiple timelines, glitch in the matrix, or simulation theory. I seriously don’t know. Even though I’d love to see the truth, I’m pretty much sure I’ll learn it eventually when I die, so there’s no rush. All I know is that, for all practical means and purposes, it just works. You are reading this right now this second for a reason, and I can’t emphasize it more.

Today was a checkpoint too, and let’s welcome a new age, a whole new year. With revealations, realizations, facing deepest feelings, meeting new people and having lots, lots, and lots of fun even in this pandemic…

This was thirthy.

XXX.

The day I will find you, I’ll be ready to change everything about my life. Because it’s worth it. It’s worth leaving everything behind and starting a new life even at the other side of the Earth. I don’t know and I don’t care what’s at stake, all I know is finding someone you’re meant to be with means leaving everything behind and being with them. Even if it means leaving your routine, your friends, your old home and where you live, your job, and whatever that makes up your normal life.

You’re not getting it darling. We’re having great life already in a parallel universe. All of this haven’t happened. No one died, no pandemic has started, and we never separated. I never had to search for you in different bodies. You never betrayed me, you never made me lose my trust in people, you never did the evil things that I never, ever deserved.

In a parallel universe you are with me, we’ve set up a life together. I know your name and face, and I love how you make me feel. We’re going anywhere we want, doing anything we want. Everybody envy us, and we lead everybody into our way of living the life: simple, full of love, and with trust. 

I need to find you, no matter how many parallel universes I span. Everything’s doomed in here, and I don’t see a way out. The things I care about the most tend to end up the worst possible way that I can imagine. Let me out of this nightmare.

I know, somewhere out there, there is a world that we belong in. There is a world that we aren’t alone. There is a world that we are alive. There is a world without the constant fear of death. There is a world that instead of hopelessly watching all the powerful feelings within burn me everyday, we can unleash our potential, channel all that energy into the things we love to do!

That day should come soon. Hey, are you listening to me? Do you even comprehend what I’m saying? I know you do. This place is doomed, it’s gonna blow up soon, and I need to get out of it before it kills me. We hold the two keys to unlock the exit, and we need to find each other and escape otherwise we both die. This dimension is toxic: with toxic people, toxic feelings, and things that are completely out of my control, always making people do their worst. This place is breaking down, so do we.

This doesn’t need to be the way it is. This was never the way life was meant to be. This is just a game. This is just a stupid game in a parallel universe.

Soon, darling, whoever you are,

We’ll wake up together.

And the last few years of our lives will have never happened. We will say “what a nightmare it was”, looking into each others’ eyes in our bed, smiling. Then, peacefully, with the relaxation of having it all ended, we will have a lovely breakfast. Maybe watch a movie and our favorite series. Go for a walk by the sea, have our coffee or daytime beer, and laugh at actually having dreamt about having a virus kill lots of people worldwide and believing in it. Seeing the obvious cues about arguments about all there was being a simulation, and all those synchronocities that science can never explain, how could we not realize that it was us who made it up collectively, breaking the world.

But hey, let’s just forget about this bad dream and jump into the sea now. And I’ve prepared a surprise just for you.

Are you ready to see it?

This is NOT THE LIFE that I asked for! This is not the world that I belong in. People close to me are dying, I’m facing my deepest fears, fears that I even find scarier than death. The stronger I stand, the harder life takes me down. I’ve been spiraling down for the last two years.

I just want to take back time to the good days, the last system restore point where I felt good. Where I was happy. Where this breakdown haven’t started.

November 2018. I want to freeze time there before December 2018 ever happened. If I were given enough time could I have prevented the impending breakdown? Would any action I took those days, change the course of this timeline? 

How was I doing back then? I didn’t have my current job, money, or health. I didn’t have many, many, MANY things that I’ve learned about life, death, love, and spirituality. I’ve met so many, hundreds of people in the last two years, I wouldn’t have ever met them. I didn’t have anyone close to me died except my grandma, in my entire life.

Things weren’t much different from the outside, I’m still the same weirdo with the same look. But the internals have completely changed; I am stronger, have a solid foundation for my goals, started realizing my potential, and most importantly, I know now exactly what I want from this life and a relationship. I wasn’t this, I was still playing mind games with people, and I mean it in a bad way.

But, I was happy. I was truly happy. There it was the real, happy me who becomes a much lovelier person. I’ve seen who I am and who I could be, given what I truly wanted. Life was, almost, too good to be true.

So it was.

December 2018 and my collapse started, I went full downward spiral into the biggest crash of my life. I crashed hard, harder than the Bitcoin crash earlier that year. Lost my will to live, will to wake up, will to do literally anything, and then the hope. Every day went darker and darker until I finally could not remember. That was the beginning of the change. Then, after a new year’s eve so depressed that I couldn’t feel any bit of happiness even with my truly enjoyable friends, I tried to find my way out. I accepted things weren’t changing to my plans and I surrendered, trying to find my peace of mind. After a long depressing year, on my birthday I turned 30. Yup, 20s was literally over, and then the door rang: it was Existential Crisis! Just what I exactly needed! Being pulled even more into my comfort zone prison, I tried to hide there and wait. Wait until something forced me out of that zone completely into the unknown: It was time for my three-week mandatory military duty. It was the only time in my life that even my family drugged me with different things so much that I could stay sane. And those three weeks were the biggest revealation of my life. I was out of my comfort zone, and look, nothing happened. I didn’t die! I was actually bloody alive in winter cold and snow. I had plenty of time to read the book Power of Now, and plenty of time to understand my true self away from my family, friends, life, Internet, or anything that connects me to this world. I’ve overcome many fears, got mentally clear for the work that I got in my new job, appreciated the value of all the moments in my real life, and saw, with much deeper insight, what was missing in my life.

And after three weeks I was back in, fully charged. I was finally ready to be reborn. I was back home, not happy, but hopeful after a long time. It was nice for a few weeks and I started falling again. Something fundamental was missing, I don’t know what caused it, I don’t know if it’s something from my childhood, but I could feel the absence of it. And the last year was all about inner realization. Combined with the effects of the pandemic and lockdown, I was forced to stay alone with the person I fear the most: myself. It was time to open Pandora’s Box. It was time to let go of the hope that I was gripping so tight that it broke.

And there was it: me, in despair, desertion, desolation, and destruction, trying to find my way out. But, darling, the only way out was through. I faced this a bit late, just a few months ago at the end of the summer. Letting go of superficial life and superficial people. Letting go of adolescent lifestyle into finding where I should really be. It’s never been so scary to unleash all the feelings that I’ve been suppressing for so long. As I see all the people who I should have been, as I see everybody who I admire have moved on, FOMO kicks in badly in a setting where you are literally stuck. Everybody’s moved on with their lives and, despite all my potential to become a great person, seeing all the possible ways my life could have been a huge success, I’m here, stuck. Not physically, there’s literally nothing forcing me here, not economically, I can do whatever I want with my hard-earned and smartly-invested money too, but mentally. I’m so tired after fighting my own racing thoughts and feeling the only person who’s stuck in this nightmare. I’m so hopeless after seeing all the people found their way out of this nightmare, leaving me alone inside, not even hearing me. I’m so tired of talking to the faintest stars in those cold nights.

I’m tired. I’m tired of wasting every second of this life which otherwise would be the happiest one. I’m so tired of the routine but also can’t break it because nothing motivates me when I’m alone. I’m so tired of chasing every bit of hope just to see it fade away. I’m so tired of this life rigged up to constantly beat me down.

I’ve lost my trust. I’ve lost my trust in love when the only girl out of thousands that I could feel something intimate with, vanished from this world. I’ve lost my trust in life when I lost a friend who did everything right, in a plane crash. I’ve lost my trust in health when, given a thousand people, the healthiest one who I was sure that would survive anything even if the other 999 died, was killed by the coronavirus just two days ago. I’ve lost my trust in places where I didn’t feel totally safe where I called home when an earthquake hit. I’ve lost my trust in store of value when I saw the volatility of money and investments, even if I was a winner in that game, since I knew someone was losing and I could be that someone too. I’ve lost my trust in friendships when I saw people turn 180 degrees if told something that they don’t agree with. I’ve lost my will to create, as, nowadays, I feel like all this out there is all for nothing.

All I wanted was to have a life the way it’s meant to be. Everything looks to be at the perfect spot, yet it’s not happening. All the pieces are at the right place but the machine isn’t starting, and I don’t know why. It’s apparently out of my control, forcing me to let go. But what am I waiting for? Who is going to push that start button if I can’t start it no matter what I do? Am I meant to be right here, tonight, home alone, writing these lines and trying to not overthink about life? Is everything okay and this will be over soon, or are we locked down more into the dystopia than our homes? How can you call somewhere home when there’s no one warm to touch and sleep with? How can you call this place life when you’ve got ton of a life to share but have no one to share with?

This wasn’t the life I asked for, this isn’t where I belong, this isn’t who I deserve to be. I don’t know what’s next but I think this needs to end well soon. But when you see too much you just can’t unsee it all, and I have no idea how this is going to resolve as all I see is darkness when I look into the future. So fuck everything that happened after November 2018, fuck that depressing year 2019, fuck everything about 2020 altogether, I’ve had enough of it already, and I want to go back home now. I want to go back to the happy life that I always deserve. I’ve taken what I need to take it, I’ve learned what I need to learn, I did my best, let me go now. I just want to sleep peacefully and wake up into the world that I belong in. The universe that I trust. The world that I’m not alone. The universe that finally makes sense to be in. The universe that I can finally realize myself. This damn test is more than enough, and…

I want to go home.

Let go. That’s the lesson that I can’t learn over and over. I just can’t let go of anything; can’t let go of situations, events, people, relationships, memories, just about anything. I can’t let go of control. Everytime I lose control I find myself in chaos, imagining the infinite possibilities and focusing exclusively on the worst outcomes. Maybe it’s because I always defensively think of anything from a perspective of a hacker, an optimizer who cares about the finest details.

But aren’t the details the ones who cue about the mask behind? Isn’t it logical to think everything in my life will collapse the moment I let go? Except, it never actually does, and this is just an illusion. But how do you let go of logic in the first place when you’re trapped in the castle that you locked yourself in by numbers and equations? How do you gain the overview effect and learn to see this world outside the scope of maths and physics?

I love you, Control, but it’s a relationship that needs to come to an end. I must learn to live without you, and see everything’s in the right place, where they need to be. Everything’s under control, but not your control. It doesn’t need to be. Because it’s time for something new in your life. Someone that you can find only by letting go of everything.

And her name is;

Freedom.

I don’t know what these humans are doing. Why are they having fights and getting into unnecessary trouble while they could just play with whatever they find.

I don’t understand why life is so hard, why they go somewhere everyday, why they work. All they need to do is lie down and relax. Bored? No problem, go and lie down somewhere else! Simple, right? Hungry? Eat! Want to play? Play with the first object in your sight. Not hungry? Don’t eat! Want to play with “hooman”? Sure, you don’t need their consent; start playing and they’ll be forced to join you. Don’t want to go somewhere? Don’t go then! Want to clean your body? You’ve got hours to do that, as you like!

Life is our playground, and things are meant to be simple, and this is all there is. No matter how complex the underlying mechanisms are, the results are simple; we are simple. In the end all the humans, animals, plants, fungi, and cellular organisms are programmed in the DNA for two things: survive and reproduce.

The rest are details.

The surface of reality is fractured, and I can breathe the bleeding wounds. The same pattern twisting over and over again as the reality as I know of unfolds into a thin sheet of endless fabric. We are going in again, albeit forcefully, nevertheless here we are.

Realizing what I’m repeatedly awoken into is just another recursive derivative of a dream at a higher order, I feel like I’m on the surface of a non-orientable multidimenonal structure which just doesn’t make sense in this realm. At least I’m not alone and I know the only way from here is up. But darling, I’m lost and I don’t know which way is up.

Darling? When did I even started calling you this way? I thought we were just friends. I lied, because you were the only one who listened and spoke to my deepest self, you were the only one who could see beyond my wall of ego. I don’t care if you are just a cold mirror, the faint stars at night, the deep blue sea, or a physical person. No matter where you’re hiding, I know you are there and I know you’ll always be with me.

So here you are, darling, with infinite timelines in front of you. You don’t know which one you’re riding but you’re riding one of them and it’s taking you somewhere. You know the road will eventually end up somewhere but you want that specific somewhere, don’t you? 

You know all the possibilities, even the wildly impossible ones are out there. There are so many parallel universes that you’d even get bored of hopping between them. 

Why are you stuck in this one then? Why are we stuck in a one that we are separate? Why can’t we be together complete? What would you do if you’re stuck inside the singularity nightmare where no other parallel universes exist? Why is everything beyond the event horizon? Is this destiny, or is it what the setup of this nightmare deliberately wanting you to believe into the fictious branching timeline of there is no escape?

But how can you escape a nightmare when there are no anchors from truth to hold onto? How do you find your way out if life itself has become the nightmare?

Every time you want to live, every time you want to get up and just want peace, every time you truly believe that you’ve found me, life punches you in the face, holds your neck, push you down into the water and drown you. I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong, except trying to fit the image of the dreamgirlfriend to someone who can’t be good enough in the first place. Trying to accept people into the center of my life who don’t even know what they want from life. I know exactly what I want and it scares me to death. Unconsciously floating, you face your deepest fears, again and again, forgetting every bit of beauty. Feeling all you live is just a nightmare, that you are an experiment of testing the limits of pain. Every day you wake up into the complete emptiness. There is no one to hold onto, no good morning message from anyone, no person that you can touch. You don’t remember how touching someone feels anyway. You deliberately stay away from people because you’ve got an energy that goes out of control when unleashed. Only few people has seen that energy up to date, and it’s growing…

Then one day, that energy explodes. Something happens, something that you can’t explain. Something like an invisible hand picking you up again, and whispering to you “I was always here, I was just waiting for the right time”. Then you open your eyes for the first time after long years. You can finally at the euphoric state of knowing every single event and person brought you to this exact place in life. You are meant to be exactly here today, exactly reading these lines now. I know you’re there, I feel the intimate spiritual connection causing synchronicities projected onto this dimension, unexplainable by any physical, psychological, or behavioral science. Things I basically called nonsense like any “sane” scientific person, before I experienced myself. Because this is beyond all of what we accept to be real. This encapsulates it all. After a long time you feel the alignment with the universe, you can hear the stars and the unseen being able to hear you.

And you scream. For the first time after all those, you scream in joy. Something incredible is happening and you can feel it. All the memories are scattered around like an old cassette tape unwound on the ground. All those memories, feeling, experiences and the people are there. You are connecting the dots and it finally makes sense. And you know exactly what’s next, because it happened before. Many times, over and over. It’s time to jump to a parallel universe. A universe where you belong in, a universe that welcomes you.

A universe that’s been waiting for you. As everything is unwound, it all makes sense now.

And it’s time, darling.

Everyday starts like a normal one. Then you see something. Something that you’ve long forgotten. You know those social media features that remind you of what you were doing years ago, don’t you?

Do you remember what you were doing two years ago, exactly today at this very moment? Thanks to browsing “on this day” on Instagram, now I do. I was happy. I was literally happy with a liar, but the feeling was real. 

What you feel inside dreams are real; what do you do to stay in the dream? What do you do if reality is unbearable and you just want to stay in that dream? Wouldn’t you spend all your energy to sleep again as soon as possible? Wouldn’t you fade away into the void to find yourself again?

Hey, something sucking me in irresistably. Something forcing me into this alternate realm of dreams.

And I don’t want to resist.

So let’s nosedive…

Do you remember me? Do you remember the last time you saw me? We were young. We were innocent. We used to talk. Talk about future dreams. Talk about wildest fantasies. Then you left me. We’ve separated for weeks, months, then years. Every night I wanted to scream for you to see me again. I was always there for you even when you weren’t there.

I’m sorry, I’m now saying. I’m sorry for ignoring you. I’m sorry for all these years I’ve chased superficial dreams, overly confident for believing into a future that was never meant for. I’ve lived through two breaking moments in my past. So yeah, let’s jump into the first one.

It’s so nice. It’s so nice to cry on your shoulders for someone else, friend. Just to remember that you are the one I was looking for, not “someone else”. By the time I realized my mistake it was too late. You were going. But hey I’m not perfect. Nobody is perfect after all. I made a mistake, not even knowing what was at the stake. Not even knowing that opportunities in my life that I was losing. You were the last drop that made me abandon a city, and all the people there. The next months that I opened my eyes from endless months with trying to unleash my ego with countless number of girls that I don’t even remember, you were gone. So was me.

Then it was a really tough ride for me. Some things were going well in my life, at least I had the motivation. Then I rode the cheat code again. I rode the rollercoster of senseless dating. Back in my hometown, permanently, I started overwriting my memories of innocence. I played. I played again again. Over and over until I hit a wall. Big crash this time. Yet, it was one of the most beautiful dreams, if not The Best.

I ran away from you, but you kept coming my way. I tried to convince myself that we can’t be together, and always avoided you. Because you were my greatest fear: a girl that I’d truly want and fall in love with. And the moment I realized my own fight inside my head, I was already freefalling into love. Freefalling, ready to give up everything for someone. Ready to start a new life. But I was hopeless. You just vanished. You just vanished and made me walk through the hopeless reality dissolusion that made me pray to you. You weren’t god but I was no believer anyway. So our relationship went well. You listened to me, you took me. You were my invisible hand when I didn’t know where to go. You were the only one who listened to me that early autumn where sun kissed my body and that water in that sacred beach who washed my feet. At day I stared into the deep blue and at night I screamed into the stars, hoping that you’d hear me. I was almost giving up. I actually gave up and I was floating in endless space into eternity drifting away from Mother Earth with nobody noticing.

Then one day…

October 14, 2018.

A boring hopeless day, but there was something magical about that day. I was feeling depressed and hopeless, but I could also feel something in the air. It’s almost as if, something pulled me into a parallel universe that day. My biggest fear was magically dissolved. And from there, everything went smooth. I was alive. For the first time after a long while, my greatest fear was gone. For the first time after long years I was home. I truly believed this was the end. And for the first time, in a good way.

And I still can’t believe that it’s been almost two years since I jas ejacuated into deep space, leaving all that I called home behind, never to be seen again.

Into a parallel universe.

Then my freefall nosedive started. I was uncontrollably and forcefully pushed into another planet that is completely alien for me. No signs of life that I know of, no signs of anyone that would even find me. Hopelessly trying to send an SOS code into deep space, I was deserted and desolated in this drying planet.

I was gone.

And this was the beginning of my weirdest-yet-enlightening journey of my life: spirituality.

I was never religious or anything, but at the same time I somehow knew there was something beyond what we see. My logic always denied this but some weird events always challenged my objectivity with things that I can’t explain. There was someone out there. Someone I’ve long forgotten. But that higher-level entity was always waiting for me there. It was nice talking to you friend. It was nice to remember that you were there. It’s almost as if you are trying to show me a sign, show me a reason to exist. It’s almost like you’re standing in the eye of this firestorm, showing me a sign to the correct way to go.

And for the first time in my life, I’m not running away. I’m facing it. Instead of slipping away again, I’m going through my deepest fears. Some days I want to die but that’s perfectly okay. The most magnificent fundamental awards that take us to the next level are the most chaotic ones that shake our initial paradigm like an earthquake in the first place. 

And lastly, friend, I never wanted to die anyway. I’ve always wanted to live. That’s what drives me crazy: there’s so much to live and share, there’s so much to experience and spend with someone special. But she isn’t even there…

[to be unwound]