Amygdala

Life is beautiful, but why can’t we have it together? Even under the stars, meteor showers washing our dirty ideas, and the waves hitting the stones, slowly fading away into the ever-growing thoughts…

Isn’t something missing? 

Hello, it’s Captain Amygdala speking, just wanted to remind you that we’re incredibly complex combinations of molecules on a giant rock flying freely through a space without an end, and your body is intrinsically programmed into dissolve itself as time passes, bringing you an inevitable death.

And yes, I am a part of that program, telling you to survive. I will keep telling you, that’s my job. You are biologically wired to always want more and never have enough comfort. Even in the seemingly-perfect moments, I will remind you of the fact that you are part of the wild nature that is hunting its way to take you back to the form before you consciously existed… at least in the way that we know of. Your brain is wired to feel insecure and out-of-comfort and that’s okay darling. It’s not to be hated, it’s for your survival in true nature, so maybe you should thank your anxious unnerving moments.

Take me with all the beauty of the world. Because sometimes it’s the imperfections that balances this scale of cosmic perfectly.

*drops mic*

The Missing Piece

How do you get out of a safe box when all the doors are locked? How do you remember yourself?

This is how it all begins in a totally normal-looking socially acceptable night. I hear you. I hear your screams, your undeniable strong voice coming from somewhere deep inside. And I admit that I miss you a lot. You make me, well… me. Without you I would be a totally different being, something, a flesh, without a purpose.

All those months I’ve been trying to ignore you but in the end you hit a wall. Something brings you back to yourself. Something opens the road to the deepest pathway into who you really were in the first place.

I miss you. You don’t even know that you are the one, you probably will never know. But I always wanted to say, how would this life be if we were together…

All my fears would be gone, and after all those years, I’d be home. 

That missing piece would finally be in the right place for the first time in my, and maybe also your, life.

I’d finally be complete, I’d finally be one with the final missing piece that I’ve been always searching for.

That would be the only universe that I’d want to live in.

That would be the only world that I’d belong. 

There would finally be a purpose for all that there has been, all the bad things that finally brought us here to this very moment of reading and feeling all these lines in unison.

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but I can assure you that you’ll never know that this was all for you, friend. If you read it, you’ll think that this is for someone else. 

I miss you. A lot.

– End of transmission for now –

Introspect

Aren’t we all on and off sometimes? Some of us hit the ceiling harder, some of us nosedive. Nevertheless, we’ve all been away from ourselves, with a long, weeks or even months long trips in our head. Introspecting all the triggers and the chains of ever unfolding events resulting in state changes in our mood, pushing the stability of our sanity to the limits we’d otherwise have thought impossible.

But after all, the letters were waiting for me to be selected in the correct order to form new sentences guided by our impulsive stream of racing thoughts penetrating into our reality faster than we can even type into a sentence.

I miss you, friend. I truly miss you. Let’s meet more often here.

Stories

I love crafting stories as the main character myself. It gives this life a purpose, a meaning. Otherwise, isn’t it so dull? Isn’t it missing a key piece in this puzzle with no boundaries? If there’s a long story with no place that you can fit yourself in, if there’s no room for yourself in the plot, is it worth the journey? Would you waste your time turning the cover, or pressing that hard plastic lifeless play button?

If you can’t look through their eyes, if you can’t find a parallel with your own life, what is the purpose of listening to a story where you don’t belong in? If you can’t wear the clothes of the protagonist, if you can’t be their consciousness locked inside their head, if you don’t wanna be them and want to scream just like them, if you can’t find a possible identity within them to hold onto in this void, why should a story matter for you?

Why should someone else’s story matter? Isn’t life too short to live others’ bullshit? Aren’t we meant to be live our own personalized plot, crafted by some higher level of our consciousness? 

Isn’t that what we live for, after all?

Mirror

There is a mirror version of you in a parallel universe. In a universe where you have control. In a universe where you finally live your dreams instead of pursuing them. A place where all that happened makes sense. Wouldn’t you risk everything you have to be able to touch that reality? Wouldn’t you want to reach out your arm, gently touch that door knob, open that dusty wooden door and hear the cracking as you finally take your step to the world you belong in? Aren’t you ready to head back home after so many years of missing the scents of your childhood and beyond? The essences that you can’t even remember. Are you ready to jump to this beautiful universe? I know you want to. Whoever and wherever you are, dear mirror. Because we’ve been so far away from our reality, and I know you miss home as much as I do, darling. And it’s time to finally to go back home. It’s finally the time to meet.

I know unexplainable events and weird coincidences keep on occuring in a loop that feeds from itself where the posivite feedback makes all the flow of ideas and symbols impossible to reject. You are not alone. I’m having the same too. The symptoms of possible parallel universes that we can focus our perspective to, that we can feed upon, that we can jump into. A universe where past and future doesn’t make sense because now is finally real. Don’t you want to join? Don’t you want to have a sweet taste of finally touching something real?

Don’t you want to touch this mirror world beyond this glass?

Darkness

All the noises suddenly go silent. The lights go black, the wind stops completely as if someone shut the window. Then you’re with that person that you’ve always talked to, again. It’s calm and you see that home is still somewhere there. It’s a person. You don’t know who she is, you don’t know if she’s right here or at the other end of the world. You don’t know her name or face, but you know who she is deep inside. You know her, you just don’t know which body she’s hiding in. You remember her, you just don’t remember her resemblence or identity.

But she’s there, trying to find you in the darkness. Trying to light a universe within with a candle, trying to explore the dark areas of the map that she never discovered. What is the next level? The one that’s after you defeat the final boss and save your princess. The one that you kiss her wildly and have the craziest sex of your life, censored by the targeting of the game to broader audiences where exposing a perfectly natural and beautiful reality like sexualy is socially unacceptable, pixelating every visible detail until anything at all no longer makes sense.

This shouldn’t be how it’s meant to be. This shouldn’t be the game anyone’s gotta be playing at all.

Life’s meant to be intimate, not isolated. We are programmed to be social creatures, we have evolved to love and to be loved. The society is playing against our natural instincts, blaming us for things that are perfectly normal, forcing us to behave like robots.

For some, this works. They are meant to be slaves; programmable humans that do a boring job that can easily be replaced by a robot. They are still relevant because governments need to take care of them until they die. They don’t create, they don’t question. They just go to school, study for their lessons, then grow up and get a job at an office, spend their years in that shithole, trying to rise up. 

The enlightened ones can see the potential in them, but they need to see the light for themselves. How can someone reflect a photon back when all they’ve got is darkness anyway? Hope they wake up soon. But maybe, they have never meant to wake up in the first place. They are meant to be NPCs, controlled by a collection of algorithm barely useful to push into production. Barely useful in being a gear in the machinary.

Barely visibile in the darkness.

Chaos

How does it feel to breathe the terror? How does it feel to taste the madness? The madness that is collectively taking over the whole world as everyone tries to walk on the rope of sanity, trying to avoid falling into the very dark side of themselves constantly reminding themselves of the fact that they’re gonna die and that the loss of everything that they have is ultimately inevitable?

What is out there? What is reality? No, I’m not talking about the sandbox that the more powerful forces locked our consciousness inside a three dimensional trap. I’m talking about the actuality behind the scenes, the ones behind the cameras, the raw unedited footage, the B-rolls, the stage behind the painted walls with the paint that blurs as you examine further. The split of the Planck time that makes sense, the bigger picture that we haven’t even imagined, the reality that’s hidden so well that we were successfully trained to believe in that a smaller low resolution picture of the universe was all there was out there. The multiverse that smiles to all the politicians and rich people out there when they think that they’re powerful. The eye with the overview effect, crashing not just earths like ours, but the whole solar systems and galaxies that contain them. The chaotic eye of massive destruction that gave birth to any kind of reality that we might have experienced in the first place.

If that chaos of particles and energy fields in a quantum vacuum of fluctations created everything, isn’t it fitting the dictionary definition of god? Can we really blame chaos for taking everything from us? Did we blame it when it gave everything to us anyway? Maybe it’s just trying to break our ego and set us free. If nothing can be created nor destroyed where does this consciousness that we’re experiencing this very moment come from? If the consciousness, at least the way we know of, was injected into our body when we were born, where was it before our birth? Maybe it’s just trying to open our collective inner eye to see that there’s some sort of connection between deeper levels of reality and consciousness. Maybe it’s time that us humans, yes, the ones that think they are smart, the ones that of whom world completely collapses due to a virus that we can only see with microscopes, should realize that consciousness is a fundamental part of reality, baked into the convoluted formulae that haven’t even been discovered yet by us “smart” humans.

Breakpoint

I deleted Instagram from my phone. Then I deleted my WhatsApp account irreversibly. Then shared the same fate Telegram. Yeah, talking about the “essential” apps here. About a year ago, I deleted Facebook, then Messenger. My Instagram and Facebook accounts are active in case I need to show someone something and for apps and websites that I logged in using Facebook, but that’s it. A few years ago I also quit Snapchat and Vine when they were a thing. I even went on a full no-phone detox for one-and-a-half months in 2016. I never liked Twitter anyway. And here I am now, 5am on a Sunday morning in the days of COVID-19 pandemic, everywhere is closed, laying on a couch alone with my cat and X-MEN cartoon theme music looping in my head almost as if someone remotely hijacked my mind and injected it. No digital communication other than my colleagues on Slack, minimal amount of iMessages, and good ol’ green bubbles of 27-years-old SMS.

This is almost as if someone hit the big red button of this world. A figurative god decided the push that big red button. Is it a debugger breakpoint in the source code of life? Are we getting an update over-the-air that will be patched over our existing reality? Did we hit a bug in our simulation? Is the virus faction too powerful that it requires an update to keep the gameplay balanced? After all the shaking events that collectively doomed us all to a psychologically-isolated state that seems like a forever nightmare, is this finally our deux ex machina?

Expectations. Lots of them. Even my use of the word “finally” in my previous sentence. The more we open our eyes to the external world, with each stimulus that we welcome into our convoluted wiring of our brain, we reach conclusions that collapse the wave function, limiting the set of possible outcomes. So what happens when everything is paused and we close our eyes? Without social media, without seeing all there is out there, we dive into a world of infinite possibilities. The deep blue ocean that we always belonged in, dreaming of the island and the sunset of its beach that we always imagined to hold hands and run again like children. Without external stimuli of the physical world out there it feels empty as we’re used to seeing and accessing everything instantly. Once the craving is over, doors of the digital prison are unlocked, we’re free again. We’re free from turning our back to our wildest dreams. We’re free from imagining a world where we were isolated from ourselves. It’s as if we remembered that command after a long time: 

sudo su –

We’re finally in control. Finally in control of our reality. We can play with time and space. We are no longer locked inside our unprivileged shell that we’ve created. All the glitches in the matrix always cued this. As we lost ourselves in the tornadoes of data flow, as we injected ourselves with Facebook posts and Instagram likes, as we tried to take a hit of attention-seeking rollercoaster, we’ve lost something. We’ve lost our deepest motivations. But since we are our own god now…

It’s time to take it back. It’s time to close our eyes and dream of all the possible outcomes of any group of events that we want. As long as we focus on our reality and don’t observe what’s happening in the so-called objective reality that even science successfully failed to realize the fact that it’s just a drop in the ocean of infinite possibilities, this world belongs to us. And as the sun decided to go up once again, let’s close our eyes to daydreaming with no sandboxes after a long time. Let’s leave this prison, ironically when it’s almost like prison physically. And once again, gently touching the big red stop button of the universe, let’s slightly open our eyes to feel the rays of light. Feel each photon hitting your retina, carrying information for a beautiful universe.

Good morning.

Red

Don’t you ever fantasize about jumping over while the traffic is speeding up like crazy? The thin line between red and green. The instantaneous decision that would end everything, the one that would take you so much over that you can’t jump between parallel universes anymore. One brief moment of jumping to the road in red light, and suddenly you are red. Is this the final freedom? The absolute freedom from your physical body that you were maybe trapped in? The one that sucks and jails you inside everytime it wakes up. Pumping the liquid at the edge of the visible spectrum, a plasma with the mystical code, an unsolved puzzle about consciousness baked in into its firmware. A system so secure that accessing the bootloader would corrupt the filesystem. A system where observation of a neuron would change a tiny bit of quantum state that triggers a chain reaction explosion from the initial state of variables ending up in you taking that step towards the road and you are red.

And that would be the last thing you would remember. The last thing permanently encoded into your brain before short-term encoder gives up. The one that fills all remaining parts of the neural-filesystem red.

The red lips of life’s goodbye kiss. Then the curtains slowly start leaking from the top of the screen. The final ending.

It’s finally over darling. No more three dimensions, no more friends, family, or anything that you can connect with. No more hatred, no more job, money, or climbing the ladder until you hit the glass ceiling. No more sleeping and waking up, no more saying good morning to yourself alone every morning. No more sex with so many people that you can’t even remember the existence of. No more drinks after drinks until you try to wake up every morning where your reflection becomes your best friend you drink with anyway.

No more beliefs and no more hopes. 

Sole red.

What we see

All the information is light. As long as light rays reach our eyes in a certain angle, they represent things in our three-dimensional space. But what if something distorts it? What if some surface reflecting those rays also distort them, just like the reflection of everything on the water? What if our perception of reality is also distorted with some entity that hides itself at a deeper level from the foundations of our consciousness? How can then we say with 100% confidence that what we see is what there really is out there? Can you really believe in your eyes when you know that there is no way for you to perceive reality as it’s out there in the first place? But… is there a reality out there anyway? Isn’t all reality the sum of the experience of all the collective consciousness of all of us in the end? Does it really matter?