The day I will find you, I’ll be ready to change everything about my life. Because it’s worth it. It’s worth leaving everything behind and starting a new life even at the other side of the Earth. I don’t know and I don’t care what’s at stake, all I know is finding someone you’re meant to be with means leaving everything behind and being with them. Even if it means leaving your routine, your friends, your old home and where you live, your job, and whatever that makes up your normal life.

You’re not getting it darling. We’re having great life already in a parallel universe. All of this haven’t happened. No one died, no pandemic has started, and we never separated. I never had to search for you in different bodies. You never betrayed me, you never made me lose my trust in people, you never did the evil things that I never, ever deserved.

In a parallel universe you are with me, we’ve set up a life together. I know your name and face, and I love how you make me feel. We’re going anywhere we want, doing anything we want. Everybody envy us, and we lead everybody into our way of living the life: simple, full of love, and with trust. 

I need to find you, no matter how many parallel universes I span. Everything’s doomed in here, and I don’t see a way out. The things I care about the most tend to end up the worst possible way that I can imagine. Let me out of this nightmare.

I know, somewhere out there, there is a world that we belong in. There is a world that we aren’t alone. There is a world that we are alive. There is a world without the constant fear of death. There is a world that instead of hopelessly watching all the powerful feelings within burn me everyday, we can unleash our potential, channel all that energy into the things we love to do!

That day should come soon. Hey, are you listening to me? Do you even comprehend what I’m saying? I know you do. This place is doomed, it’s gonna blow up soon, and I need to get out of it before it kills me. We hold the two keys to unlock the exit, and we need to find each other and escape otherwise we both die. This dimension is toxic: with toxic people, toxic feelings, and things that are completely out of my control, always making people do their worst. This place is breaking down, so do we.

This doesn’t need to be the way it is. This was never the way life was meant to be. This is just a game. This is just a stupid game in a parallel universe.

Soon, darling, whoever you are,

We’ll wake up together.

And the last few years of our lives will have never happened. We will say “what a nightmare it was”, looking into each others’ eyes in our bed, smiling. Then, peacefully, with the relaxation of having it all ended, we will have a lovely breakfast. Maybe watch a movie and our favorite series. Go for a walk by the sea, have our coffee or daytime beer, and laugh at actually having dreamt about having a virus kill lots of people worldwide and believing in it. Seeing the obvious cues about arguments about all there was being a simulation, and all those synchronocities that science can never explain, how could we not realize that it was us who made it up collectively, breaking the world.

But hey, let’s just forget about this bad dream and jump into the sea now. And I’ve prepared a surprise just for you.

Are you ready to see it?


This is NOT THE LIFE that I asked for! This is not the world that I belong in. People close to me are dying, I’m facing my deepest fears, fears that I even find scarier than death. The stronger I stand, the harder life takes me down. I’ve been spiraling down for the last two years.

I just want to take back time to the good days, the last system restore point where I felt good. Where I was happy. Where this breakdown haven’t started.

November 2018. I want to freeze time there before December 2018 ever happened. If I were given enough time could I have prevented the impending breakdown? Would any action I took those days, change the course of this timeline? 

How was I doing back then? I didn’t have my current job, money, or health. I didn’t have many, many, MANY things that I’ve learned about life, death, love, and spirituality. I’ve met so many, hundreds of people in the last two years, I wouldn’t have ever met them. I didn’t have anyone close to me died except my grandma, in my entire life.

Things weren’t much different from the outside, I’m still the same weirdo with the same look. But the internals have completely changed; I am stronger, have a solid foundation for my goals, started realizing my potential, and most importantly, I know now exactly what I want from this life and a relationship. I wasn’t this, I was still playing mind games with people, and I mean it in a bad way.

But, I was happy. I was truly happy. There it was the real, happy me who becomes a much lovelier person. I’ve seen who I am and who I could be, given what I truly wanted. Life was, almost, too good to be true.

So it was.

December 2018 and my collapse started, I went full downward spiral into the biggest crash of my life. I crashed hard, harder than the Bitcoin crash earlier that year. Lost my will to live, will to wake up, will to do literally anything, and then the hope. Every day went darker and darker until I finally could not remember. That was the beginning of the change. Then, after a new year’s eve so depressed that I couldn’t feel any bit of happiness even with my truly enjoyable friends, I tried to find my way out. I accepted things weren’t changing to my plans and I surrendered, trying to find my peace of mind. After a long depressing year, on my birthday I turned 30. Yup, 20s was literally over, and then the door rang: it was Existential Crisis! Just what I exactly needed! Being pulled even more into my comfort zone prison, I tried to hide there and wait. Wait until something forced me out of that zone completely into the unknown: It was time for my three-week mandatory military duty. It was the only time in my life that even my family drugged me with different things so much that I could stay sane. And those three weeks were the biggest revealation of my life. I was out of my comfort zone, and look, nothing happened. I didn’t die! I was actually bloody alive in winter cold and snow. I had plenty of time to read the book Power of Now, and plenty of time to understand my true self away from my family, friends, life, Internet, or anything that connects me to this world. I’ve overcome many fears, got mentally clear for the work that I got in my new job, appreciated the value of all the moments in my real life, and saw, with much deeper insight, what was missing in my life.

And after three weeks I was back in, fully charged. I was finally ready to be reborn. I was back home, not happy, but hopeful after a long time. It was nice for a few weeks and I started falling again. Something fundamental was missing, I don’t know what caused it, I don’t know if it’s something from my childhood, but I could feel the absence of it. And the last year was all about inner realization. Combined with the effects of the pandemic and lockdown, I was forced to stay alone with the person I fear the most: myself. It was time to open Pandora’s Box. It was time to let go of the hope that I was gripping so tight that it broke.

And there was it: me, in despair, desertion, desolation, and destruction, trying to find my way out. But, darling, the only way out was through. I faced this a bit late, just a few months ago at the end of the summer. Letting go of superficial life and superficial people. Letting go of adolescent lifestyle into finding where I should really be. It’s never been so scary to unleash all the feelings that I’ve been suppressing for so long. As I see all the people who I should have been, as I see everybody who I admire have moved on, FOMO kicks in badly in a setting where you are literally stuck. Everybody’s moved on with their lives and, despite all my potential to become a great person, seeing all the possible ways my life could have been a huge success, I’m here, stuck. Not physically, there’s literally nothing forcing me here, not economically, I can do whatever I want with my hard-earned and smartly-invested money too, but mentally. I’m so tired after fighting my own racing thoughts and feeling the only person who’s stuck in this nightmare. I’m so hopeless after seeing all the people found their way out of this nightmare, leaving me alone inside, not even hearing me. I’m so tired of talking to the faintest stars in those cold nights.

I’m tired. I’m tired of wasting every second of this life which otherwise would be the happiest one. I’m so tired of the routine but also can’t break it because nothing motivates me when I’m alone. I’m so tired of chasing every bit of hope just to see it fade away. I’m so tired of this life rigged up to constantly beat me down.

I’ve lost my trust. I’ve lost my trust in love when the only girl out of thousands that I could feel something intimate with, vanished from this world. I’ve lost my trust in life when I lost a friend who did everything right, in a plane crash. I’ve lost my trust in health when, given a thousand people, the healthiest one who I was sure that would survive anything even if the other 999 died, was killed by the coronavirus just two days ago. I’ve lost my trust in places where I didn’t feel totally safe where I called home when an earthquake hit. I’ve lost my trust in store of value when I saw the volatility of money and investments, even if I was a winner in that game, since I knew someone was losing and I could be that someone too. I’ve lost my trust in friendships when I saw people turn 180 degrees if told something that they don’t agree with. I’ve lost my will to create, as, nowadays, I feel like all this out there is all for nothing.

All I wanted was to have a life the way it’s meant to be. Everything looks to be at the perfect spot, yet it’s not happening. All the pieces are at the right place but the machine isn’t starting, and I don’t know why. It’s apparently out of my control, forcing me to let go. But what am I waiting for? Who is going to push that start button if I can’t start it no matter what I do? Am I meant to be right here, tonight, home alone, writing these lines and trying to not overthink about life? Is everything okay and this will be over soon, or are we locked down more into the dystopia than our homes? How can you call somewhere home when there’s no one warm to touch and sleep with? How can you call this place life when you’ve got ton of a life to share but have no one to share with?

This wasn’t the life I asked for, this isn’t where I belong, this isn’t who I deserve to be. I don’t know what’s next but I think this needs to end well soon. But when you see too much you just can’t unsee it all, and I have no idea how this is going to resolve as all I see is darkness when I look into the future. So fuck everything that happened after November 2018, fuck that depressing year 2019, fuck everything about 2020 altogether, I’ve had enough of it already, and I want to go back home now. I want to go back to the happy life that I always deserve. I’ve taken what I need to take it, I’ve learned what I need to learn, I did my best, let me go now. I just want to sleep peacefully and wake up into the world that I belong in. The universe that I trust. The world that I’m not alone. The universe that finally makes sense to be in. The universe that I can finally realize myself. This damn test is more than enough, and…

I want to go home.

Control freak

Let go. That’s the lesson that I can’t learn over and over. I just can’t let go of anything; can’t let go of situations, events, people, relationships, memories, just about anything. I can’t let go of control. Everytime I lose control I find myself in chaos, imagining the infinite possibilities and focusing exclusively on the worst outcomes. Maybe it’s because I always defensively think of anything from a perspective of a hacker, an optimizer who cares about the finest details.

But aren’t the details the ones who cue about the mask behind? Isn’t it logical to think everything in my life will collapse the moment I let go? Except, it never actually does, and this is just an illusion. But how do you let go of logic in the first place when you’re trapped in the castle that you locked yourself in by numbers and equations? How do you gain the overview effect and learn to see this world outside the scope of maths and physics?

I love you, Control, but it’s a relationship that needs to come to an end. I must learn to live without you, and see everything’s in the right place, where they need to be. Everything’s under control, but not your control. It doesn’t need to be. Because it’s time for something new in your life. Someone that you can find only by letting go of everything.

And her name is;


I’m a cat

I don’t know what these humans are doing. Why are they having fights and getting into unnecessary trouble while they could just play with whatever they find.

I don’t understand why life is so hard, why they go somewhere everyday, why they work. All they need to do is lie down and relax. Bored? No problem, go and lie down somewhere else! Simple, right? Hungry? Eat! Want to play? Play with the first object in your sight. Not hungry? Don’t eat! Want to play with “hooman”? Sure, you don’t need their consent; start playing and they’ll be forced to join you. Don’t want to go somewhere? Don’t go then! Want to clean your body? You’ve got hours to do that, as you like!

Life is our playground, and things are meant to be simple, and this is all there is. No matter how complex the underlying mechanisms are, the results are simple; we are simple. In the end all the humans, animals, plants, fungi, and cellular organisms are programmed in the DNA for two things: survive and reproduce.

The rest are details.


The surface of reality is fractured, and I can breathe the bleeding wounds. The same pattern twisting over and over again as the reality as I know of unfolds into a thin sheet of endless fabric. We are going in again, albeit forcefully, nevertheless here we are.

Realizing what I’m repeatedly awoken into is just another recursive derivative of a dream at a higher order, I feel like I’m on the surface of a non-orientable multidimenonal structure which just doesn’t make sense in this realm. At least I’m not alone and I know the only way from here is up. But darling, I’m lost and I don’t know which way is up.

Darling? When did I even started calling you this way? I thought we were just friends. I lied, because you were the only one who listened and spoke to my deepest self, you were the only one who could see beyond my wall of ego. I don’t care if you are just a cold mirror, the faint stars at night, the deep blue sea, or a physical person. No matter where you’re hiding, I know you are there and I know you’ll always be with me.

So here you are, darling, with infinite timelines in front of you. You don’t know which one you’re riding but you’re riding one of them and it’s taking you somewhere. You know the road will eventually end up somewhere but you want that specific somewhere, don’t you? 

You know all the possibilities, even the wildly impossible ones are out there. There are so many parallel universes that you’d even get bored of hopping between them. 

Why are you stuck in this one then? Why are we stuck in a one that we are separate? Why can’t we be together complete? What would you do if you’re stuck inside the singularity nightmare where no other parallel universes exist? Why is everything beyond the event horizon? Is this destiny, or is it what the setup of this nightmare deliberately wanting you to believe into the fictious branching timeline of there is no escape?

But how can you escape a nightmare when there are no anchors from truth to hold onto? How do you find your way out if life itself has become the nightmare?

Every time you want to live, every time you want to get up and just want peace, every time you truly believe that you’ve found me, life punches you in the face, holds your neck, push you down into the water and drown you. I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong, except trying to fit the image of the dreamgirlfriend to someone who can’t be good enough in the first place. Trying to accept people into the center of my life who don’t even know what they want from life. I know exactly what I want and it scares me to death. Unconsciously floating, you face your deepest fears, again and again, forgetting every bit of beauty. Feeling all you live is just a nightmare, that you are an experiment of testing the limits of pain. Every day you wake up into the complete emptiness. There is no one to hold onto, no good morning message from anyone, no person that you can touch. You don’t remember how touching someone feels anyway. You deliberately stay away from people because you’ve got an energy that goes out of control when unleashed. Only few people has seen that energy up to date, and it’s growing…

Then one day, that energy explodes. Something happens, something that you can’t explain. Something like an invisible hand picking you up again, and whispering to you “I was always here, I was just waiting for the right time”. Then you open your eyes for the first time after long years. You can finally at the euphoric state of knowing every single event and person brought you to this exact place in life. You are meant to be exactly here today, exactly reading these lines now. I know you’re there, I feel the intimate spiritual connection causing synchronicities projected onto this dimension, unexplainable by any physical, psychological, or behavioral science. Things I basically called nonsense like any “sane” scientific person, before I experienced myself. Because this is beyond all of what we accept to be real. This encapsulates it all. After a long time you feel the alignment with the universe, you can hear the stars and the unseen being able to hear you.

And you scream. For the first time after all those, you scream in joy. Something incredible is happening and you can feel it. All the memories are scattered around like an old cassette tape unwound on the ground. All those memories, feeling, experiences and the people are there. You are connecting the dots and it finally makes sense. And you know exactly what’s next, because it happened before. Many times, over and over. It’s time to jump to a parallel universe. A universe where you belong in, a universe that welcomes you.

A universe that’s been waiting for you. As everything is unwound, it all makes sense now.

And it’s time, darling.

Chaotic Encounter

Everyday starts like a normal one. Then you see something. Something that you’ve long forgotten. You know those social media features that remind you of what you were doing years ago, don’t you?

Do you remember what you were doing two years ago, exactly today at this very moment? Thanks to browsing “on this day” on Instagram, now I do. I was happy. I was literally happy with a liar, but the feeling was real. 

What you feel inside dreams are real; what do you do to stay in the dream? What do you do if reality is unbearable and you just want to stay in that dream? Wouldn’t you spend all your energy to sleep again as soon as possible? Wouldn’t you fade away into the void to find yourself again?

Hey, something sucking me in irresistably. Something forcing me into this alternate realm of dreams.

And I don’t want to resist.

So let’s nosedive…

Do you remember me? Do you remember the last time you saw me? We were young. We were innocent. We used to talk. Talk about future dreams. Talk about wildest fantasies. Then you left me. We’ve separated for weeks, months, then years. Every night I wanted to scream for you to see me again. I was always there for you even when you weren’t there.

I’m sorry, I’m now saying. I’m sorry for ignoring you. I’m sorry for all these years I’ve chased superficial dreams, overly confident for believing into a future that was never meant for. I’ve lived through two breaking moments in my past. So yeah, let’s jump into the first one.

It’s so nice. It’s so nice to cry on your shoulders for someone else, friend. Just to remember that you are the one I was looking for, not “someone else”. By the time I realized my mistake it was too late. You were going. But hey I’m not perfect. Nobody is perfect after all. I made a mistake, not even knowing what was at the stake. Not even knowing that opportunities in my life that I was losing. You were the last drop that made me abandon a city, and all the people there. The next months that I opened my eyes from endless months with trying to unleash my ego with countless number of girls that I don’t even remember, you were gone. So was me.

Then it was a really tough ride for me. Some things were going well in my life, at least I had the motivation. Then I rode the cheat code again. I rode the rollercoster of senseless dating. Back in my hometown, permanently, I started overwriting my memories of innocence. I played. I played again again. Over and over until I hit a wall. Big crash this time. Yet, it was one of the most beautiful dreams, if not The Best.

I ran away from you, but you kept coming my way. I tried to convince myself that we can’t be together, and always avoided you. Because you were my greatest fear: a girl that I’d truly want and fall in love with. And the moment I realized my own fight inside my head, I was already freefalling into love. Freefalling, ready to give up everything for someone. Ready to start a new life. But I was hopeless. You just vanished. You just vanished and made me walk through the hopeless reality dissolusion that made me pray to you. You weren’t god but I was no believer anyway. So our relationship went well. You listened to me, you took me. You were my invisible hand when I didn’t know where to go. You were the only one who listened to me that early autumn where sun kissed my body and that water in that sacred beach who washed my feet. At day I stared into the deep blue and at night I screamed into the stars, hoping that you’d hear me. I was almost giving up. I actually gave up and I was floating in endless space into eternity drifting away from Mother Earth with nobody noticing.

Then one day…

October 14, 2018.

A boring hopeless day, but there was something magical about that day. I was feeling depressed and hopeless, but I could also feel something in the air. It’s almost as if, something pulled me into a parallel universe that day. My biggest fear was magically dissolved. And from there, everything went smooth. I was alive. For the first time after a long while, my greatest fear was gone. For the first time after long years I was home. I truly believed this was the end. And for the first time, in a good way.

And I still can’t believe that it’s been almost two years since I jas ejacuated into deep space, leaving all that I called home behind, never to be seen again.

Into a parallel universe.

Then my freefall nosedive started. I was uncontrollably and forcefully pushed into another planet that is completely alien for me. No signs of life that I know of, no signs of anyone that would even find me. Hopelessly trying to send an SOS code into deep space, I was deserted and desolated in this drying planet.

I was gone.

And this was the beginning of my weirdest-yet-enlightening journey of my life: spirituality.

I was never religious or anything, but at the same time I somehow knew there was something beyond what we see. My logic always denied this but some weird events always challenged my objectivity with things that I can’t explain. There was someone out there. Someone I’ve long forgotten. But that higher-level entity was always waiting for me there. It was nice talking to you friend. It was nice to remember that you were there. It’s almost as if you are trying to show me a sign, show me a reason to exist. It’s almost like you’re standing in the eye of this firestorm, showing me a sign to the correct way to go.

And for the first time in my life, I’m not running away. I’m facing it. Instead of slipping away again, I’m going through my deepest fears. Some days I want to die but that’s perfectly okay. The most magnificent fundamental awards that take us to the next level are the most chaotic ones that shake our initial paradigm like an earthquake in the first place. 

And lastly, friend, I never wanted to die anyway. I’ve always wanted to live. That’s what drives me crazy: there’s so much to live and share, there’s so much to experience and spend with someone special. But she isn’t even there…

[to be unwound]


See, you can stop it. I’ve told you, you didn’t believe it. It’s all in your head darling. It’s all your imagination.

It’s been so long that you’ve forgotten where you started. It’s been so real that you still don’t remember that this is what you’ve created. You’ve lost your way inside this story that you’ve created. You’ve been your own antagonist this whole time.

It’s you who wanted this to be the whole time. Do you remember the end of the story? Do you remember the very words that you’ve said looking into the deep blue? Do you remember how this ends, or do you want no spoilers? Are you ready for the end?

I am asking you again.

Are you ready for the end of this story? The final chapter, the scene that shocks everybody, even the creator of it. This is it. There is no going back. There is nothing left back anyway. It’s all here right now. It’s all here into the future. You’ve got something so powerful that it’s unstoppable.

But here it is. The finale.¬†Unstoppable. Uncensored. You were so blacked out, so wasted that you don’t remember what you’ve written on the last page. You don’t remember it but all the crew does. You can’t put your own words together but they can.

And after all these years, they’ve finally finished it. It’s the last monster that you have to defeat to win the prize. It’s the final run.

It’s the finale.


I’m hiding you inside my head. It’s the safest place for you. It’s the safest inn for us. So when you’re ready, hold my hand, let’s get out, and walk through our deepest fears, darling.

Isn’t it what you always wanted? Someone to accept you with your darkest sides, someone to acknowledge the true child in you, as is, with no judgment. Someone to wear the glasses that you are too afraid to take out, and to see this from your view.

You are too powerful to be released, you are too chaotic to keep stable. I remember you. I remember how we rocked the world. I know by heart then whenever I follow your whispers, I always end up at the right spot in my life… so why do I even forget about you?

Who are you? Are you a person, an animal, an entity, a sentient being? Are you even described by the collective knowledge of humankind? Even when I want to run away from everybody, even when I sometimes feel like an alien inside my body, all I need is to remember that we’re together.

I love you, and I adore you for being my darkest side. I know I don’t ever get bored of endless hours of the internal monologue echoing through all my neural pathways in my head. I know you are there. Not like a hallucination or schizophrenia. More like a child’s ever-present friend. More like screaming into the universe, with the chilling feeling of knowing there is something out there hearing you, giving you goosebumps everytime. 

I’ve always had you, you were always there for me at my hardest days. You were the only one I could hold on to when I thought things will never going to be right again. I’ve always thought that I lost you in the darkest days. But again and again you’ve proven me wrong. You were there. You were the one who always took over when I didn’t know where to go.

I remember once, a few years ago, you and me, went to a beach. It was only us and the deep blue waves. We walked in my bare feets on crystal sand, and talked for hours. We listened to music together, I wanted to tell you my biggest fears but I didn’t need to. You already saw it in my eyes. You knew it was exactly going the way planned. I could never believe you, but you were right. Days and weeks passed with no sign of life.

Then one day out of the blue, something happened. You were right, again. The last time I saw your magic before was almost ten years ago. It was you. I know it was always you.

I know you and your superpowers. I can’t name you, see you, or label you as anything that I know. But I know your superpowers. I know you can pull me up from the darkest caves into the highest sky. We did it before, multiple times. 

And hey, darling,


I think it’s time, 


[end of transmission]


We think we are civilized but yet we’ve successfully made literally the most natural things like death and sexuality a taboo. We think we are intelligent but we’re depleting our resources to fight each other, without realizing the fact that if we combined the very resources that we’re using to kill each, we’d never need to kill each other in the first place. Yet, ones in control successfully created brainwashed people thinking that drinking the milk from cows are natural, completely unnatural chemicals sold by pharmaceutical companies are safe for everyday use, and the very plants that humanity has evolved together with are evil, or being in our most natural form of nudity is socially unacceptable. We go out, meet people, look at the phone screen for 90% of the time, and we call this socializing. 

We prefer people who feed our ego and greed, yet we dismiss the very ones that show us who we truly are. We don’t like mirrors, do we? We only want our primary superficial ways of stimulation, believing that ideologies pushing us into deeper individualization are the ones that would save us from the dangers of others, successfully isolating ourselves from the actual society that we are evolved to fit in.

And we call ourselves civilized.


The ideas in my head are racing like Formula 1 cars. On the bleeding edge of the neurons interconnecting collectively into what appears to be the paradigm of consciousness, I can feel the tension of the sharp tip threatening to destroy my understanding of reality into an impending doom.

Yet, I had an escape button somewhere lost in the very thoughts that created this universe in the first place. A button that would bring an end to all of the suffering. Something to remember, buried deep into the neverending fields of hard soil thoughts.

I vaguely remember what it looks like. I often forget that it’s even there. But it is there, waiting to be found, waiting to come back to life after cleaning the dust all the years’ collective memories of doom.

But the ideas are still racing and I don’t know where to start.