canp.me

Epiphany. I learned this word from someone years ago in a very dark period of my life. It meant, it has always meant something but I never truly felt it until now. A few days ago I was paddling at evening at the calm seas in tranquil silence and I looked in front of me. 

There was Jupiter, shining bright through the night sky. And that evening, that very moment, it hit differently for reasons I can’t yet understand. It felt like The Missing Piece of the puzzle. I started to feel connected and knew, not believed or thought, but knew everything was at exactly where they should be.

It was all coming back to me after a rollercoaster of a ride, and the last time I feel so deeply connected to the universe was five years ago. Everything that happens, every “good” and “bad” event, all the people, every single quark and quantum fluctuation of the universe always, but always, happened for the best, and everything was meant to be exactly as they were. At the right place, at the right time, in the way they should be.

I knew that the book of life had many plot twists, but as I turned the page, I just knew that the next page was unfolding towards a series of events, all connected, transcending space and time, were leading to the greatest chapter of my life yet.

Everything is connected; it’s a force that science can’t explain, and yes I’m saying this as a hardcore science person. I tapped into something that I can’t wrap my head around that evening, after so many years. It’s like remembering The Big Bang not only scattered all the energy of the same being, creating the universe, but also scattered what we call consciousness. The consciousness is not an individual organism’s electrical brain activity (and I know many documented events that support this idea) yet part of being One: everything; all the humans, animals, or even inanimate objects; all the people you love, all the people you hate, every being that have born and died, every person in the future not yet born, are all part of the same consciousness scattered through the universe. Feeling apart, far away, yet all connected. 

And maybe, just maybe, synchronicities are universe’s way of talking to all of us, only if we tuned in. Maybe our brains are just naturally evolved structures that tap into the ever-connected cosmic consciousness that act as an antenna, utilizing physical phenomena like quantum fluctuations of “empty space” and to communicate this physical world with our true self of eternal cosmic web of a single deity that is us.

Always.

One.

It’s all coming back to me, fitting the pieces together, and finally making sense now.

After so many years. Finally.

Birthdays. They remind us about time. They remind us about our own time, what we’ve achieved, and how much time we’ve left here.

As another one passed I’ve remembered what I’ve done. All the good things and the bad things that I have done. All the good things and the bad things I haven’t done. I remembered giving up, accepting “that’s it”, and just letting go of everything that locked me inside my comfort zone. I was in a cocoon; safe, calm, yet building a hard shell against all the feelings, all the experiences, all the people. I’ve built a shell to accept that there’s no solution to my existential crisis, and things went dark. For years.

Then something happened. A combination of events, experiences, and the reminder of time passing switched something in my head. Permanently. There was no going back this time. The cocoon was no more. 

Then I remembered who I was and shouted in the eye of the universe with my loudest voice beyond my imagination: there is not a single day, not a single minute to waste. There are no excuses. If you want something, do it. Everything flipped almost in an instant. 180 degrees.

Catch that train.

Run that marathon.

Jump into the ice.

Dance like it’s your last day.

Take photos.

Create moments.

Start a new project.

Learn an instrument.

Talk.

Walk.

Question.

Understand.

Meditate.

Bond.

Touch that warm sand with your bare feet.

Feel the feelings. All of them. Not just the good ones.

Fear.

Feel the anxiety.

Feel your rising heartbeat.

Thrive.

Love.

Hug.

Kiss.

Share moments.

Do stupid things to remember.

Believe.

You are meant to live every single good and “bad” feeling. It’s perfectly okay to feel everything to the deepest level, it’s okay to worry, it’s okay to be not okay, it’s okay to love, it’s okay to fear, it’s okay to face your deepest fears. It’s okay to panic. It’s okay to stay in that feeling. You are human. You are meant to feel. You are meant to be real.

You are real.

Go out and make the most of it. Break that cocoon.

Now.

There comes a point in life that you need to make a decision and that decision will change everything. 

Challenging, painful, risky, but true AF. Something’s changing deep inside, a shell that has been withholding all the energy is finally cracking, about to be fractured into pieces at any moment.

Nothing is the same anymore, and nothing will be the same again. Ever. A step that you’ve been scared to take for so long is finally yours. And now, it’s taken. Once taken there’s no going back, darling, and who wants to go back anyway?

Once the shell is broken, entropy will take over.

And it will be fun.

A lot of fun.

Retreat from all things exciting. Turn off the lights. Unplug the speakers. Turn off your phone. Alone, in complete silence. Dull. No thinking of upcoming plans. No social media.

No social interaction. 

No videos.

No books.

No sports.

No video games.

No drinking.

No eating.

Just watch the ceiling. Allow thoughts to roam freely. Allow your mind and body to float in emptiness in the most boring way possible. 

Wait.

Wait more.

Boring, slow breaths, nothing else.

No yesterday.

No tomorrow.

No friends.

No partners.

No activity, neither physical nor mental.

No even waiting; just accepting complete emptiness.

No expectations.

Go so down so the only way would be up.

Disturbing? Let it disturb.

Let it heal.

Let it bring you back to Earth.

Let it earth.

Let new ideas spark.

Let new motivation emerge.

Let new hobbies come in.

Let new thoughts, new people, new emotions.

New memories.

New beginnings.

New stories. Better than the previous ones.

New music. New series. New genres. New perspectives.

Disrupt through it.

And be born.

Again.

Change. The word we love to use but deep inside afraid of. Familiar is safe, we’re neurologically wired for it. Sometimes change comes into your life in cascading butterfly effect-esque events.

Perhaps all the synchronicities are the “simulation”s way of injecting otherwise-improbable events to push your life’s path in a certain, predestined direction. Though it makes sense once you look back and connect all the dots and remember all the little details in weeks, months, and many years that brought you to here to this exact moment.

Something that pushes you so deep into the scattered reflections in your psyche that things you’ve previously enjoyed don’t excite anymore. So deep that going deeper in a starry night in silence by the sea and thinking about deepest emotions, reality, feelings, psychology, life, and the universe itself and feeling the intimacy of “being in the same frequency” feels much better than trying to find yourself in the crowds. Better than eating good food, better than your favorite drink. Sometimes even better than sex. The deeper you look into the stars and the dark sea, the quieter you open your ears to the waves and the wind, the calmer you are away from the city life, people, and all that pollution, the more you transcend and start your next chapter.

Now, let’s transcend. Again.

Don’t we all reject reality? We refuse to accept the events happened and construct a projected mental model of reality onto the world we experience through our senses, only to face the conflict of our foundational neurally optimized reflection of our deepest desires versus the collapsed reality of many possible parallel universes where things could have been different, branching towards the inevitable avalanche effect of cascading events fueled by entropy.

And we do it all the time.

Joy of missing out. Reflection of fear of missing out in wonderful duality. The ultimate realization that you don’t want to go and socialize, and that you only don’t want to miss out where “everyone’s having fun out there“. It’s Friday. Or a concert. Or Christmas. Or New Year’s Eve. You need to be there out with everyone else to secure your image of recognition and status in the society, subconsciously plotting a way to escape early of boredom, I mean, what kind of weirdo sits home and sleeps home when everyone’s having fun out there living fast with all the music, drinks, and people?

I do. And I love it.

Sometimes after a deep sleep in the middle of a day it feels like I’ve woken up to a parallel universe. The time is different, stuck in the past and future, experiencing both together. People are different, as if I’ve I’m visiting the same spots throughout the entire history. The wind blowing, sun is shining, clouds are forming differently. Everything moving superfast and superslow, and even the air tastes different. Something feels off, as the fabric of reality glitched, something has changed in The System. The chilling feeling of sensing everything’s slightly off, as if you’re about to realize that you’re in a dream in a dream where light casts differently, where shadows reflect in unexpected ways. Sounds are distorted, colors are shifted, time is stretched. Feels almost unreal.

A world where people are respected by not which imaginary boundaries they are born within, not because of the family they have, but because of what they create in this world. Not what race or nationality or religion or anything inherited, but the intellectual and creative capability and the potential they have. Where people are motivated not by money or status, but bringing love and joy to themselves and others.

This should be the world that we belong to.

You know you can’t be just friends with some people the moment you see them. You’d want to, but you’ll want more. You don’t want to move away: You want them in your life but at a really intimate level. You want to share many memories and good times. You want to make them happy the way they make you smile, you want to hug them so tightly that you never part.

You can be playful with every single person on Earth but when it’s them, you feel stuck. You feel afraid to break the ice. You can’t clean cut, but you also can’t move any closer. You’re stuck in a limbo with no way out. You stare at the sky like it’s your first time seeing the stars, and think: there’s got to be a way.

There you are, stuck in a limbo.