I can’t believe this is happening.

This is one of the things that require all my self-confidence to get in front of the mirror and accept. The one that I’ve been running away from. But how long can you run from what’s already inside your head? How long can you deny what you subconsciously know?

There is no point in denying anymore: I miss those days of being in the alternate universe that I always feared for years. The days that I went radio silent for three weeks. It wasn’t only the social life and connection to the Internet that went radio silent. It was everything good and bad about my everyday life that went dark for the seemingly-forever days that I’ve spent there.

And boy, I miss those days of isolation. I miss all the isolation from the routine, people in my life, thoughts, feelings, stress, expectations and hopes. I miss the feeling of knowing that everything will be allright when those days were gonna be over.

Safe mode. It’s like a sandbox game in your brain, that you could freely do anything you want. A game that takes place in an alternate reality, an immersive experience. But when it’s over you are back to the routine. 

Dear internal monologue, what was the trigger that let you enter your safe mode? I need to find it  and enter my safe mode again. Should I repeatedly press all function keys? Shall try to induce a lucid dream by reading my dream diary and constantly asking whether I’m in a dream or not and watch for any clues; the inconsistencies and weird actors, the glitches in the Matrix? The ones that it’s the same places and the same people of ordinary, but something is off. The lights just don’t reflect right. The rendering engine is constantly glitching out and our brain is denying to encode any information that would provide a clue about the inner wiring of our minds into our memory. A session that deletes all the files when it’s over. A session that you don’t even remember existing. But what if we could recall it all?

If we can introspect into the wiring of our brains and observe which memory is associated with which person, which idea stems from which combination of our neurons, can we really understand our minds? Once we understand the role of every neuron and every dendrite, do we know everything about our brain? But isn’t even observing the structure of neurons an input of information that changes the formation of that very structure anyway? In that sense, isn’t trying to understand the fabric of our experienced reality, actually a transformation of it to a new state anyway? It’s like a cat chasing a mouse and never catching it. But we keep trying even if the game is rigged.

How do we understand the fuzzy-logic encoding of all the data about everything that we’ve experienced? How do you start? It isn’t like a file on your computer that you can analyze with a hex editor. It isn’t a sequence of zeroes and ones, it’s a graph network of a huge number of nodes and connections. Is there any idea better than constantly trying to see a pattern and always trying the next combination, not knowing what to look for, like skipping all those songs in shuffle while walking until you realize that you don’t want to listen to music in the first place?

Even if we devise a way to map everything about our three dimensional brain, would it explain anything about our conscious decisions that triggers all the pathways of thoughs in the first place anyway? Once you hit the wall where you realize conventional physics cannot explain who you are, wouldn’t you dig deeper into your ocean of subconsciousness? Wouldn’t you, only then, see the real mirror that truly reflects yourself deep within your soul?