This is NOT THE LIFE that I asked for! This is not the world that I belong in. People close to me are dying, I’m facing my deepest fears, fears that I even find scarier than death. The stronger I stand, the harder life takes me down. I’ve been spiraling down for the last two years.
I just want to take back time to the good days, the last system restore point where I felt good. Where I was happy. Where this breakdown haven’t started.
November 2018. I want to freeze time there before December 2018 ever happened. If I were given enough time could I have prevented the impending breakdown? Would any action I took those days, change the course of this timeline?
How was I doing back then? I didn’t have my current job, money, or health. I didn’t have many, many, MANY things that I’ve learned about life, death, love, and spirituality. I’ve met so many, hundreds of people in the last two years, I wouldn’t have ever met them. I didn’t have anyone close to me died except my grandma, in my entire life.
Things weren’t much different from the outside, I’m still the same weirdo with the same look. But the internals have completely changed; I am stronger, have a solid foundation for my goals, started realizing my potential, and most importantly, I know now exactly what I want from this life and a relationship. I wasn’t this, I was still playing mind games with people, and I mean it in a bad way.
But, I was happy. I was truly happy. There it was the real, happy me who becomes a much lovelier person. I’ve seen who I am and who I could be, given what I truly wanted. Life was, almost, too good to be true.
So it was.
December 2018 and my collapse started, I went full downward spiral into the biggest crash of my life. I crashed hard, harder than the Bitcoin crash earlier that year. Lost my will to live, will to wake up, will to do literally anything, and then the hope. Every day went darker and darker until I finally could not remember. That was the beginning of the change. Then, after a new year’s eve so depressed that I couldn’t feel any bit of happiness even with my truly enjoyable friends, I tried to find my way out. I accepted things weren’t changing to my plans and I surrendered, trying to find my peace of mind. After a long depressing year, on my birthday I turned 30. Yup, 20s was literally over, and then the door rang: it was Existential Crisis! Just what I exactly needed! Being pulled even more into my comfort zone prison, I tried to hide there and wait. Wait until something forced me out of that zone completely into the unknown: It was time for my three-week mandatory military duty. It was the only time in my life that even my family drugged me with different things so much that I could stay sane. And those three weeks were the biggest revealation of my life. I was out of my comfort zone, and look, nothing happened. I didn’t die! I was actually bloody alive in winter cold and snow. I had plenty of time to read the book Power of Now, and plenty of time to understand my true self away from my family, friends, life, Internet, or anything that connects me to this world. I’ve overcome many fears, got mentally clear for the work that I got in my new job, appreciated the value of all the moments in my real life, and saw, with much deeper insight, what was missing in my life.
And after three weeks I was back in, fully charged. I was finally ready to be reborn. I was back home, not happy, but hopeful after a long time. It was nice for a few weeks and I started falling again. Something fundamental was missing, I don’t know what caused it, I don’t know if it’s something from my childhood, but I could feel the absence of it. And the last year was all about inner realization. Combined with the effects of the pandemic and lockdown, I was forced to stay alone with the person I fear the most: myself. It was time to open Pandora’s Box. It was time to let go of the hope that I was gripping so tight that it broke.
And there was it: me, in despair, desertion, desolation, and destruction, trying to find my way out. But, darling, the only way out was through. I faced this a bit late, just a few months ago at the end of the summer. Letting go of superficial life and superficial people. Letting go of adolescent lifestyle into finding where I should really be. It’s never been so scary to unleash all the feelings that I’ve been suppressing for so long. As I see all the people who I should have been, as I see everybody who I admire have moved on, FOMO kicks in badly in a setting where you are literally stuck. Everybody’s moved on with their lives and, despite all my potential to become a great person, seeing all the possible ways my life could have been a huge success, I’m here, stuck. Not physically, there’s literally nothing forcing me here, not economically, I can do whatever I want with my hard-earned and smartly-invested money too, but mentally. I’m so tired after fighting my own racing thoughts and feeling the only person who’s stuck in this nightmare. I’m so hopeless after seeing all the people found their way out of this nightmare, leaving me alone inside, not even hearing me. I’m so tired of talking to the faintest stars in those cold nights.
I’m tired. I’m tired of wasting every second of this life which otherwise would be the happiest one. I’m so tired of the routine but also can’t break it because nothing motivates me when I’m alone. I’m so tired of chasing every bit of hope just to see it fade away. I’m so tired of this life rigged up to constantly beat me down.
I’ve lost my trust. I’ve lost my trust in love when the only girl out of thousands that I could feel something intimate with, vanished from this world. I’ve lost my trust in life when I lost a friend who did everything right, in a plane crash. I’ve lost my trust in health when, given a thousand people, the healthiest one who I was sure that would survive anything even if the other 999 died, was killed by the coronavirus just two days ago. I’ve lost my trust in places where I didn’t feel totally safe where I called home when an earthquake hit. I’ve lost my trust in store of value when I saw the volatility of money and investments, even if I was a winner in that game, since I knew someone was losing and I could be that someone too. I’ve lost my trust in friendships when I saw people turn 180 degrees if told something that they don’t agree with. I’ve lost my will to create, as, nowadays, I feel like all this out there is all for nothing.
All I wanted was to have a life the way it’s meant to be. Everything looks to be at the perfect spot, yet it’s not happening. All the pieces are at the right place but the machine isn’t starting, and I don’t know why. It’s apparently out of my control, forcing me to let go. But what am I waiting for? Who is going to push that start button if I can’t start it no matter what I do? Am I meant to be right here, tonight, home alone, writing these lines and trying to not overthink about life? Is everything okay and this will be over soon, or are we locked down more into the dystopia than our homes? How can you call somewhere home when there’s no one warm to touch and sleep with? How can you call this place life when you’ve got ton of a life to share but have no one to share with?
This wasn’t the life I asked for, this isn’t where I belong, this isn’t who I deserve to be. I don’t know what’s next but I think this needs to end well soon. But when you see too much you just can’t unsee it all, and I have no idea how this is going to resolve as all I see is darkness when I look into the future. So fuck everything that happened after November 2018, fuck that depressing year 2019, fuck everything about 2020 altogether, I’ve had enough of it already, and I want to go back home now. I want to go back to the happy life that I always deserve. I’ve taken what I need to take it, I’ve learned what I need to learn, I did my best, let me go now. I just want to sleep peacefully and wake up into the world that I belong in. The universe that I trust. The world that I’m not alone. The universe that finally makes sense to be in. The universe that I can finally realize myself. This damn test is more than enough, and…
I want to go home.